take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, December 24, 2004
1:27 PM
Writing__________oops..where's the eraser?.need to erase that line..
I dunno what to write...but I feel like writing..one of the song that I put up here-Another World..I'm listening to currently gives me the feel to write..actually plenty of things give me this kind of feeling..I realize long time ago I love to write..although I know my english is not that good..that's why I'm constantly trying to improve my english although I always make lots of grammer mistake..and I really envy my friends as they really write good english..especially nad..the way she write..haih..dunno how long more until I can write like her..but no matter how I love to write..Once I start writing..I can never stop..the more I write..the more I can't stop..writing opens up another world for me...It help me express my feelings..it really does and I always feel better after writing..be it a story or a poem...or just crap..somehow it always had that kind of effect on me..I write whatever I feel like writing....somehow I think peaceful feeling makes me want to write the most...everytime I see a peaceful sight,I will feel like writing...i guess I'm that kind of person that enjoy peace..who doesn't?However although I love writing..I don't really like restricted writing..like those you can find in high school assignments..essays..blehH!So whenever i was given the choice..during my high school times..I will choose to write story...I hate those other essays..especially facts!and letters..who needs those crappy format??!!Writing is something that should not be restricted...it's something that meant to be free..only then you can fully experience the joy of writing..but sad our education system doesn't think that way..instead they emphasized more and more on restricted writing..tell me..who needs to remember those idiot formats??!Well..at least I'm free from it now...kinda anyway..hah!good luck to those who are still trapped there...hahahaha..I'm bad..Am i?Or Am i not?Hahahaha.....=)
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
2:38 PM
Lost
I'm really lost....lost?You don't know?I don't know either...but I know I'm lost....I don't know why am I feeling like this..probably the aftermath of yesterday?I still feel down....the pain is still there....or is it getting worse?I don't feel like talking about it to anyone....somehow...I feel that it's better kept inside my heart...how you want me to tell it out?I prefer this way...at least I won't make anyone unhappy......or I'm just too tired?I'm really tired to go on like this anymore.....I'm sick and tired...I'm even too tired to tell it out....tired....really am...how long can I go on like this?I don't even know what am I feeling.....feel like just fucking everything up....why do I have to be a human?why do I exists?Is my existence that important?what do I have to prove of my existence?Crap!I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore...there's so many things in my mind right now..not only one...but dozen.....even the things I used to enjoy most seems meaningless to me...how come?I don't even have the urge to spend the money in my hands....something is very wrong here...normally I will have this urge to spend money if I have it in my hands....I feel that everything I do seems useless...meaningless.I'm just living my life aimlessly....roaming around aimlessly...day by day..I still haven't found it...found what?I don't even know...I'm lost....where's my saviour?I'm really lost.........
My mood:
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Monday, December 20, 2004
7:16 PM
Heartache...
One phone call..just one phone call is enough to make my heartache..I dunno why....both of us were wordless..speechless...is there really nothing to talk about?Why am I feeling like this?I really dunno....somehow there's a distance between us...I knew that but I thought it doesn't mater....I miss you...but you make my heartache...It really hurt...don't you know?It really does......there's an aching feeling in my heart...I quickly ended the phone call because I don't want to admit there's really nothing to talk about between us...*sigh*.....I regret it later..but what can I do?You make my heartache,do you know?Even though it's only a pinch..but it hurt..it really does....I wonder if you felt the same way?Or is it just me?Am I being too emotional?I dunno and I won't get the answer...I always wonder..is there really nothing left for us to talk?But I never gotten the answer till to this day....all that is left is my tears...only that....
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Saturday, December 18, 2004
11:39 PM
Missing someone that I can't grab hold of.........
It's already one year..almost one year anyway....one more year to go....28 Dec..last year this date ,he left me...or should I say left us?I never knew we were so close..how much I miss him..but i can't tell him...so sad..It's only a year and we're almost like strangers...we have not much to talk about..I felt the distance between us everytime we talk..not only the physical distance..but something else that I don't know how to describe...there's not only a sea between us but also a barrier..something that keep us apart...I'm really scared..that when he come back,I won't recognize him anymore as he had change..both of us had change actually...physically and mentally...I'm really scared that I don't understand him anymore...so much can happened in 2 years that I dunno...the gap between us is so large...so big... it keeps getting larger and larger...I really miss those moments and fun we had..I know it wouldn't be the same anymore...how I miss it...I know I can't keep looking backwards..but that's the only thing I had of you now...memories..only memories..sad one, happy one...I really miss you...do you know that?do you know how depressed I was when you left?Do you know how much tears I shed for you?Do you know how much I feel like crying everytime you were mentioned?Do you know how lonely I was at home all the time when you were not here?It was so hard for me....that first few months.......now?It's better now..but do you know I still cry silently for you?I really miss you...you are the best brother I ever had..I have always admire you....I have always been proud of you and your "streetwise-ness"...I always look up to you...I always wanted to be just like you..although you were the wild one...but in my heart you are the best brother I ever could had...I'm really proud of you...but I can never tell you that....................
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, December 17, 2004
10:25 AM
Trapped in a Haunted house?
ARgghhh...I'm sitting in front of my comp feeling so bored...waiting for pei yie to come..that idiot!she told me 9 o' clock,now it's already almost 10.30 already..woke up so early somemore!everytime also like that..if you are gonna be late,tell me lah~!at least I don't have to wake up so early!!so boring....argghhh...don't know what else to do...yesterday didn't sleep well..and i think my house is haunted..i dunno!but yesterday i really felt that..today too..while I was sleeping last night,something weird happened..it's seems real..but or am I dreaming?but it seems so real..and I really felt it..it was a torture..a real torture for me yesterday night...they even spray water at me..I even kinda mumble my prayers...it's so scary....I really don't want to talk bout it..and today..the the machine started all by itself..or probably it's just that my mom forgot to off it?Okie..i better stop it now..I'm getting really spooked out..this is not good...shit!I'm alone in this house somemore...I can't believe this!I'm scaring myself out..it's probably just a nightmare last night and the machine?maybe it's my mom..she's always forgot to off it and she's in a rush today...so it's nothing....nothing...shit!What is that sound i heard just now?It's coming from behind.....no..no..it can't be....right?*gulp*
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, December 16, 2004
2:14 PM
Lyrics again??
Since I have change my background music to this Initial D song..my as well just post the lyrics too..
Night of Fire
Welcome to the broken low
Welcome to the famous disco live
Come on lady come and go
Come on lady get me once and right
Not a danger, not a blacky stranger
Rock it - rock it - knock to my door I'll open
Speak my name now, speak if it you know how
Fly to me, get ready for the
Night of fire, you've better better stay
You've better better begin the prayer to play
Night of fire, come over over me
Come over over the top you've never been here
Night of fire, you've better better stay
You've better better begin the prayer to play
Night of fire, come over over me
Come over over the top you'll have a night of fire
You'll have a night of fire
Welcome to my rocky show
Welcome to the fire of the night
Come on baby let it go
Come on baby let me stick you tight
Not a danger, not a blacky stranger
Rock it - rock it - knock to my door I'll open
Speak my name now, speak if it you know how
Fly to me, get ready for the
Night of fire, you've better better stay
You've better better begin the prayer to play
Night of fire, come over over me
Come over over the top you've never been here
Night of fire, you've better better stay
You've better better begin the prayer to play
Night of fire, come over over me
Come over over the top you'll have a night of fire
You'll have a night of fire
You better better stay
The prayer to play
Come over over me
You've never been here
Night of fire
You've better better begin
Night of fire
Come over over the top
You'll have a night of fire
Welcome to the broken low
Welcome to the famous disco live
Come on lady come and go
Come on lady get me once and right
Not a danger, not a blacky stranger
Rock it - rock it - knock to my door I'll open
Speak my name now, speak if it you know how
Fly to me, get ready for the night of Fire
You'll have a night of fire
Night of fire (repeat and fade out)
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
1:52 PM
***Night Sky***
I love the night sky..It's always so beautiful..so peaceful..so wide..so much more..Yesterday while walking home..I look up at the night sky, enjoying the peaceful sight..the stars that forever shining so bright..the moon that forever never loses its glow..ahh..night sky..it's really beautiful..I can't stop myself from wondering that moment..when was the last time I took my time looking up at the night sky?How long have I stop doing that?It was very long...a very long time....how can I forget such a beatiful sight that I totally never take my time to enjoy it?It's been a busy life...indeed a very busy one..one that is constantly moving in a fast pace....till I have no time to breathe..no time to enjoy such beautiful sight...I have missed something so important..and I never realize it till now..I wonder how much have I missed?I have always love the night sky since i was small(maybe that's y i chose this background for my blog)..maybe that's why I wanted to be an astronomer so badly..I really wanted explore more...unveiled what is hidden behind this piece of beautiful black cloth..This is not just an ordinary black cloth..it's one that is full of mystery,one so beautiful,one so bright till it can blind your eyes..I really want to know what is waiting for me beyond this..it's a totally different world..a world that will shock me to my senses till I'm numb..till I can't do anything except to feel and enjoy its beauty..a beauty no words can describe..a world so beautiful no man have seen it..a wider beautiful world out there is still waiting for me..waiting for me...but will I have the chance to experience it?
My mood:
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Lyrics..
Suddenly just feel like posting the lyrics of one of my favourite Initial D songs-killing my love..suits my mood currently...feeling down..so here goes..
Killing My Love
You're gonna destroy my love
With your actions you destroy my heart
You give me always bad surprises tell me tell me why
You treat my feelings like a toy
Baby make up make up make up
Your mind's time wake up
They gave us just one life to live
Baby love and love and love me love is what is worthing
The most important thing to give
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing love my heart's disappointing
I'll love you forever but please don't say never
I'll keep your remember so deep in my heart
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing my live my heart's disappointing
A dream lasts forever if we dream together
I don't want to believe in love anymore
You're gonna destroy my life
I was thinking to become your wife
You give me million of your lies tell me tell me why
You think that love is not a joy
Baby make up make up make up
Your mind's time wake up
They gave us just one life to live
Baby love and love and love me love is what is worthing
The most important thing to give
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing love my heart's disappointing
I'll love you forever but please don't say never
I'll keep your remember so deep in my heart
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing my live my heart's disappointing
A dream lasts forever if we dream together
I don't want to believe in love anymore
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing my live my heart's disappointing
A dream lasts forever if we dream together
I don't want to believe in love anymore
Baby make up make up make up
Your mind's time wake up
They gave us just one life to live
Baby love and love and love me love is what is worthing
The most important thing to give
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing love my heart's disappointing
I'll love you forever but please don't say never
I'll keep your remember so deep in my heart
But you're
Killing my love and it will destroy me
But you're
Killing my live my heart's disappointing
A dream lasts forever if we dream together
I don't want to believe in love anymore
Killing my love
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Monday, December 13, 2004
11:16 PM
Whatever...
Whatever...whatever...I can't be bother anymore...the more I bother, the worst it seems to be...don't care..don't care..not caring..not bothering...fed up.!!tired!not only one but a few people....whatever!!I'm not caring...I need to scream now..I need a horror movie..I need nad n gang...miss her...she called yesterday though..just came back, she say she will call today..but end up no?I wonder how's the rest is doing...seems to me so long never contact already..but it's only a week...so fast miss the fun?*sigh*...I wonder how's pei yie too..that day have too hang up the phone so fast cause was rushing out...but never get to call her in the end...suddenly don't know why feel so sad...feel like talking to someone..I have my own troubles too..but I don't think there's anyone that I can talk to...so sad isn't it?or is that I just don't need anyone at the moment,just myself...and listening to some sad music..it's kinda peaceful somehow...felt so bad just now,the way I treated sy..I don't know how to deal with her anymore...I feel very bad..I'm a bad friend....I don't know why did it become like that...??If I have to deal with her meaning this is not a friendship...this is something else..but I really don't want this to happen...I value my friends a lot..I value friendship a lot...just that those who don't really understand me, will say that I don't..but deep inside I know I do and that's enough for me as no explanation is needed....without friends,I wouldn't be here..I wouldn't be what I am today...many friends I really need to thank..although some of them probably already left or going to leave me soon...but I still thank them for becoming my friends...they make a difference in my life...even if it's only a slight differences...it's still consider a difference...that's why I'm feeling very guilty...I'm really a bad friend to her...I don't even deserve to be her friend...I dunno...I'm so sorry...I really am...I know no words can tell how sorry am I but I'm truly sorry..no words or tears will probably make you forgive me...I'm so sorry.... My mood:
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Sunday, December 12, 2004
6:47 PM
mixed up feelings...
What am i feeling right now?*sigh*......kinda mixed up....he finally asked me and i accepted him..but now I'm wondering did I really make the right decision?Somehow there's a little tugging feeling deep inside my heart that tells me that I have made the wrong choice...that everything is not going to be fine..*sigh*..I dunno...I'm so worry.....something bad is going to happened somehow..or it won't last somehow...should not have accept him..why?why did I did it?I wasn't thinking that time?or perhaps I really did have some feelings for him?I dunno...so confused once again...confused..worry...tired...perhaps a bit of happy?...so many feelings once again...so many feelings..so mixed up..sometimes I wish I'm not human so I don't have to go through this kind of torture of feeling so many different type of feelings at one time....*sigh*....so many feelings...too tired to think and feel anymore....I'm really tired...or should I say I'm already too numb to think and feel anymore?If so...why am I still worrying?Is it possible for me to stop all these?I dunno...I really dunno...too much to feel..to much to think...what will you do if you were me?*sigh*........
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, December 09, 2004
10:14 PM
Limits..know my uselessness!!
I feel so useless right now..I hate myself..I really do...I'm so angry with myself..I'm a piece of useless shit..I can't achieve anything!I feel so down..It's so ironic..I don't know whether to laugh or to cry..I finally know my limits..who say u can improve and break your limits?bullshit!all is crap!Everyone has their limits and once they reached theirs, they can't go overboard anymore..u know why?because that is your limits!I know i'm not making any sense here..but I don't care!!I try!I did try!Do u know how hard I try?U know how hard is it for me to finally know my limits?I always think I can improve and limits is nothing..u can achieve anything if you work hard..but now I know..the truth finally hit me..hard..so hard..so cruel..I finally know my own limits...I can never be good in anything...anything!Look at my studies..I wanted to be the best..who wouldn't want?but end up no matter how hard I try,I fail to do so..that's why I gave up long time ago...I already know there's no hope..so my as well have more fun than spend time studying...but I believe I still can be the best..if not at least one of the best in something..like in ID...u know how much effort..how much time..how much money I wasted on it?but still.....ya i know my skills did improve compared to last time but what's the use?I'm still consider one of the lousy players..and I'm the worst among girls...look at yee there so much better than me..we started the same time u know?how come so much differences?I really don't know why until today....today...I realize that I have already reached my limits...no matter how hard I try..my skills won't improve anymore...so why the hell do I still want to waste money and time on it..since that is the case?I felt so really useless...before that I still have some hope that one day my skills can be like the pros..but now I realize that is not the case...I have already reached my limits...that is as good as I can be...no more..I felt so depressed!I'm so angry with myself....why I'm so useless?I can't even be good in ID..so what more can I be good in?even like ID such a small thing..I can't!I'm so angry with myself...why am I so useless?why so fast reached my limit?why can others improve so much...break their limits?why not me?Why can't I??WHy??Why??There's only one answer for this...that is..I'm a useless human being...no matter how hard I try..I can't achieve anything...I'm really useless....ya..a useless piece of shit!I hate myself!!!
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Saturday, December 04, 2004
10:32 PM
Freedom!!!!!
Freedom at last!!I'm free...I'm a free person...a free human being...at last!!at last!!everything finished...projects..presentations...assignments..exams..no more!!no more!!no more stress!!Free....FRee...FREe...FREE!!!holidays....here I come...!!....ahhhh..freedom..it's somthing so nice..so peaceful..so wonderful!!I love it!Freedom...it's so hard to describe..it can make you fly in the air..it can make you so light..it can give you a sense of peace..a feeling of joy and also happiness at the same time...it's a feeling that is so nice..so wonderful..so blissful..that you will never want to let it go..who would want to willingly let freedom go?*sigh*....but sometimes when the times come,you have no choice...but to let it go...you can't hold on to it forever...in fact you can't hold on to anything forever...everything fades in this world..beauty fades...things fade..memories fade...flowers fade too as it will died..the sun will fade one day too..humans will fade too...nothing last in this world....including freedom..so better treasure what you have in life now...don't wait until it fades...it's too late then..so I guess I have to really treasure my freedom now..my precious freedom..that will only last for god knows how long....days?months?years?nobody knows the answer...not even me...for it's one of those thing that could not be answered..it's a mystery...and so it will remained as a mystery.........an enigma..??
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, December 03, 2004
1:38 AM
Messed up..@#$%!
My mind is currently really messed up...don't ask me why?I don't know..I feel worry...frusfrated...and I like to be left alone at this moment...so here I am..venting my frusfration on my blog...ARGGHHHH!!!!Stupid me!Why am i feeling this way?Once again,I dunno!Lately, my mind seems to be full of questions..questions that won't have an anwser..I know that I won't get any of my question answered..so why do new questions keep popping out,huh?Well..there..another question that I know I would not get an answer,but yet I still ask....why?why do I still ask?I would also like to know why..anyone can tell me?I know is definetely not the exams...well....maybe?I really can't figure it out...do i really need to anyway..??It's not that important,is it?arggghhh....!!I really don't want to think right now...but why am I still doing it??!I dunno...I really don't...something just cannot be explained..but do I really need an explanation?do I?somethings just exists naturally without any explanation..so do we actually need to find an explanation for it?No...no..I don't think so..somethings are better off unexplained..things become more complicated with an explanation=more thinking to do=more messed up?maybe that's why humans are so complicated..they start off simple but then they begin to find explanation for every single thing..and that's how they end up being complicated..?Nobody can truly understand humans anyway...except God perhaps?
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, December 02, 2004
11:47 PM
Bitching about exams...
Argggghhhh....research methods exam was fuck up yesterday anyway..that bitch gave us what came out in midterms for the Section A essay..and everyone forgot the answer and that idiot give also give us a 4-5 page journal/lab report/article for us to critique in Section B essay!WTF???After doing the 50 MCQ and the 7 question on SPSS..u think we got time to write a critique??We can't even finish reading!!It took us one week for us to do a critique as a assignment..and she expect us to do it in what?less than 10 mins...after u finished everything,u only left 10 mins..5 mins for reading?5 mins for doing?fuck it!can't even finished reading..5 mins??!!You need at least 1 hour to fully understand that thing..and she want us to give 20 points in essay form..20 points in 5 mins??I took the 5 mins to read..and I don't understand half of what am i reading,especially the results part cuz I'm reading like a bullet train and I have to skip a lot of lines due to the time constraint..and then the remaining 5 mins..u want me to come up with 20 strength n weakneeses in 5 mins??somemore on research methology,external n internal validity threats???U ask me to kill myself better!Well,so ladies n gentlemen,guess what I did?I wrote something...which is 3 lines and all crap!What u expect?no time!unless you are really smart ass and can do ur MCQs and SPSS and Section A in less than 1 hour..then you can finish but still you won't get full marks...my SPSS was fuck up also...I know what to read from the stats but I don't know how to write!!I forgot the sentences in front...and before this I saw only r,t and p value..all of sudden F pop out...and I even forget that one test was a post hoc test while I thought it's Levine's test!!ARGHH!!somemore I leave question 4 blank and when they annouced that time's up,I only realized there's actually no. 7 in the SPSS...and I didn't do!!!whatever...at least counseling 2day wasn't that bad...managed to do it..at least better than last time..consider last minute studyings..only bio left..then I'm done!!looking forward to saturday...
Anyway went to watch shutters today..and ceh!.. not as scary as the grudge(ju on)..somemore a lot of ppl say it's good n scary..as usual scream in the cinema with nad again..but somehow never relieve our stress..and don't scream that much also..compare to the grudge that really relieve our stress..shutter..a dissapointment!and this time actually nad didn't want to sit beside me(hehe..i have a habit..when I'm scared...I don't want to close my eyes as I don't want to miss even a part of the show so I will start to grab the person next to me..real hard..u will feel pain man..with my bony fingers)..so she n rosh argue about it n rosh didn't want to sit beside me cuz the last time i scratch his arm till bleeding..and I rather chose nad..so finally decided..the victim will be shazlan!so rosh,nadia,me and shaz..and nadia warn me earlier that if I ever grab her,I will have to pay 10 bucks..she get more scared when I grab her..so no choice..I grabbed shazlan in the end..and I think shaz was being a gentleman as he didn't complain or move or anything but however I know he's embarrased..with me there screaming like a mad woman,making weird noises at one point where everyone laughed an turn to look at me while holding on to his arm..and after the show..the whole cinema turn to look at me..I was also very embarassed..and nad say it's the weird noise i made..that attract the whole crowd...shit man!I'm not stepping into mid valley cinema for a while anytime soon...or even mid valley...*sigh*....i did apologize and this time I didn't grab as hard as I used to..and shaz say he didn't feel any pain.or is he being a gentle man again?..I think maybe because I pity shaz for the torture he have to go through,so I try to control my strength.but I did apologize lots of time....*sigh*...
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
