take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Monday, January 31, 2005
2:27 AM
Day 14,15,16,17
Day 14-Thursday
The night before I never sleep..kinda anyway cause have to finish up my personality assignment..been writing and typing the whole night till 9 am in the morning..so I decided to skip personality at 10 to at least get some sleep since I'll be needing my energy tonight.we are holding a gathering tonight to farewell rosh,sleeping over at nad's place.....so I only went for the afternoon and evening classes..got to sleep for about 3 hours..less than that actually..and it wasn't exactly a good sleep..was really tired...and couldn't really concentrate throughout the classes..well then yee came over to my college in the evening..since we are going straight after class for dinner..and that idiot rosh make us waited for one hour...went to club for dinner..ate japanese again...hehe..yummy..help yee finished her cawan mushi since she doesn't like it..and we got our desert too..hehe.the atmosphere were nice...funny...laughing over stupid stuff..but rosh went moody later for some time....*sigh*..spoiled the environment...
Then later shaz join us...for drinking!yeah!..at first we decided to go to rosh's friend's place but it turn out to be not that nice..so we were undecided to go the place next door(seems nicer..the music and all) or finnegans...took a long time deciding..arguing over it..haih..and also have to consider our financial limitations..since that cheapo roach don't want to put more money..so we went to finnegans but then later found the environment not that nice..music slow lah..and expensive too..each of us kinda order our drinks individually........so finally argued over it again..since open bottle is cheaper if everyone pitch in some money...we argued a long time again due to that cheapo again...and finally we went back to rosh's friends place..and back there..we went were undecided again to go to the place next door or rosh's friends place..look like stupid fool standing out there..somemore went in the place and out...embarassing..but we end up in rosh's friends' place in the end..we open bottle...chivas..hahaha..great man!!..somemore rosh want to boast say he drank a lot of chivas last time and never get high before..but look..after3 -4 glass..he started blabbing nonsense already..worse than me..so fast get high.somemore i'm a new drinker..tsk..tsk..now i know why he can't take anythinng besides jack daniels..he always drink jack daniels..boring lah!!He was really drunk as he even wanted to beat up a motorcycle driver that past by for no reason and he did lots of other stuff also…even asking a nice woman who just was polite and kind to us to fuck off..terrible..somemore can say out so loud is she a woman or a man and she heard everything..but everyone enjoyed it of course…I was drunk too..drinking non-stop....had too much…was crying again..was sad..…and according to them,I was very loud…I dance too and no one did that,even caught the attention from a passerby and a lot of ppl was looking…really embarassed…and even vomited…embarassing man…never going to go near that place anymore…I felt sick too..unwell..my head was spinning…*sigh*..couldn’t think that time...fell asleep after that…nad and yee have to drag me back….*sigh*..how many brain cells were killed again today?lol…
My mood:
Day 15-Friday
Slept like a pig…but not really good..awoke in the middle of the night or should I say early morning a few times…found yee sit up beside me…I suspected she’s unwell again but she denied it…worry about it…never really fell back asleep until she laid down again…actually couldn’t sleep much also..woke up at 10 something I think and yee say she was very hungry..have to do find her food…*haih*…after brushing my teeth then I search the house for milo for her…later she played hans’ play station while I took my bath..we were planning to go t.s today….so planning to leave early..and later nad told us her mom coming so we have to leave early also…I had my milo and some biscuits…and then we left..we walked all the way to sungai wang(since it’s walking distance..althought it took quite long also) to eat the mixed rice that yee say is kinda cheap and we were actually planning to walk straight to t.s to save money but it’s hot and we were tired..so end up sitting the monorail…hey..one walk from nad’s place is enough..hot somemore….
*sigh*guess who I saw?ya...saw him there…well it’s already exactly two weeks…I thought I’m already kinda ok…but hey I still feel weird whenever I saw him…sad..hurting..i dunno what feeling also..just a bunch of mixed up feelings…and I always wanted to act cheerful and happy as thought nothing has happen in front of him but I know I always kinda failed cause even I know and can feel that it’s very fake…it’s like I didn’t want to talk to him…I mean I don’t know how to talk to him..and I think he felt the same cause he didn’t really talk to me…he talk to yee much more…it’s like very awkward for both of us and both of us are trying to ignored that and tried to act normal as thought nothing had happened..so we end up not talking much to each other…is that a good thing or a bad thing?well..he told yee that mr.dog of hers told him I cried since mr.dog was there in the morning…well idiot how the hell he knows?and even if that dog knows..he shouldn’t have told it to him..*sigh*…whatever..it’s done anyway..and yee did explain but I dunno he believe or not….I was trying my best to enjoy..and later only to find his bunch of friends came over to me and tell me he’s alone out there and doesn’t seems fine..what’s his problem now?he’s the one that ask for it ok?he’s the one that hurt me ok?so what he wants now?so I went out to him..hoping that I can clear some things up..and settle some things too..some knots in my heart that I can’t untied in these two weeks…so I confronted him…asking him nicely if there’s a problem and all….but he didn’t want to tell me..he keep denying there’s one and saying everything is fine with him..asking me to go back inside..well fuck it!if there’s no problem..why the hell his whole bunch of friends will come to me and ask me to go see him??I told him that..but he keep denying it and keep refusing to say anything no matter how I forced him…at one point he even tried to ignore me by calling out to some passerby that he knows…he kept on denying..and he tried to sounds ok..by laughing and all but I can see that’s definitely not normal…but in the end I have to turn around and go back since he doesn’t want to talk about it..what can I do?I’ve tried..and I feel sad also ok?I feel my heart aching..but I still talk to you nicely…and asking about your problem..but you don’t want to talk bout it…what do you want me to do??I had to leave since my voice nearly crack there too..tears are about to come out..and I don’t want to cry in front of you…I don’t want him to worry and thinking that I haven’t let go..why do I still care for him that much?something is really wrong with me….I didn’t know I was that serious…later yee talked to him…since she’s the only person that I know he will talk to about his problem…doesn’t he knows that maybe both of us will feel better if we talk straight face to face?I mean since this is our problem..we should settle it by ourselves right?but no..he don’t want it…he don’t want to talk bout it with me…what can I do right?I was not in the mood later but tried to be ok….it’s hard…later yee told me what they talk bout…she said the reason he wanted to break up not only because he felt inferior but also other things but he doesn’t know how to explain it..he said he don’t know how to say it….i kinda knew it too..i mean if the only reason is because he felt inferior he could have told me right?we could have worked something out right?I really don’t know why..the real reason…but yee said he told her he still have feelings towards me even until now…I really don’t understand…I really don’t..why did he let me go then?but at least I know..or should I say I’m glad to know that he made that decision not because he have no feelings towards me already..but of something else…at least I know he was serious when we were together…it’s a good thing to know that…he even told yee another girl like him now but he doesn’t like her and doesn’t know what to do….well..the truth is I’m kinda happy to hear that he doesn’t like that girl… shit man!I know that’s bad to think that way…meaning I’m still giving myself false hope..I mean it’s over right?I should have just move on…since he’s moving on too??or not?I don’t know…but I know I need to move on..but I’m not doing that..I know I have to let go..and yet I’m not doing that..it’s always easier said than done..I know that Things that are meant to be yours will find its way back to you in the end no matter how but if they are not meant to be yours, they will fly away no matter how hard you hold on to it. It will come back to me no matter how if it truly belongs to me..if not I should just let it go…for now I should just let it rest and let nature take its own course and see if it does really belong to me….*sigh*…time is all I have and is all that I need…is that so?
My mood:
Day 16-Saturday
Was really tired the night before so I fell asleep early and I had to go to college early today because I had some event going on.. and it starts at 8??!!…I had only a few hours of sleep..muscle aching..bone creaking..a bit itchy..I think the drink on thursday had finally taken some effect on me..felt hot too…and both my elbows hurt a lot..I think I hurt it while I was dancing..hit the wall while dancing..and graze the wall too..I think it’s blue black and I had scratches over my elbow too..my leg too..was bruised…I think I hit the table and sofa while I was drunk on Thursday too..my whole body was aching and it hurts…and I still felt like vomiting when I think about Thursday..I think I need a break from alcohol..had too much already..and only one week break between the last drinking session..went to u know where again after that…he was there but then we didn’t talk much again..as usual talk more to yee than me..and other ppl too….got quite a few times where he stand very close…I felt really uneasy..dei no dah!I said before dah I need some distance dei!but don’t know why I feel a bit happy when he did that..dei no dah again!giving myself false hope dah!he look good too with his hair gel and that same woolly shirt(I like the material)he wore on 31st with jeans….dei no dah!why am I even telling this...??*sigh*…..
My mood:
Day 17-Sunday
Lose sleep again…kinda anyway..didn’t really slept that well the whole night…worrying..about what?about it!idiot..for no reason want to worry?I’m hopeless man..what’s wrong with me?I should be letting go not worrying…spent the whole day thinking why the hell am I still worried about it…and think bout it again…including the things that happened on Friday.. and Saturday..it’s depressed me…I think I have become more stupid…why do I want to spent the whole day thinking about it and get depressed again?is it that because too many of my brain cells were killed that’s y I become that stupid?is that so?couldn’t help it...so spent the whole day depressing…I didn’t cried though…only a bit..ok fine..i admit..it’s more than a bit..but not too much…it’s not that bad hey…I watched some tv to keep my mind off since I didn’t feel like doing any work again..I;m really piling up my work man..I have lots to do and lots coming yet I don’t feel like doing it…at least the tv helped..although only momentarily…read some comics…realized I really have to update on my comics already..it’s been so long since I re-stock..but then I think of my financial situation..then quickly gave up the idea..but still wanted to re-stock my comics somehow..will find a way to..I just feel like being left alone the whole day…dunno y….still looking at my phone every hour here and there..*sigh*..yes..I’m still doing that..hoping “someone” will called or msg…but I know it’s useless…but still couldn’t stop myself from doing that…was really sleepy the whole day too..and feel really hot too..probably it’s still the alcohol..the itchiness subside though..it’s not as bad as last time..muscle still aching..elbow still hurt..leg still hurt..heart still hurt…everything still hurt…life is just great isn’t it?*roll her eyes*
My mood:
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
11:57 AM
Day 13-half of it anyway
Well..wednesday.. another day..didn't really slept well again..keep waking up during the night..and I though I had past the stage where I would not dream about him..oh f@$#!I was so wrong..he's still haunting me..why does he have to appear in my dreams??dei!woke up everytime and feel so sad.....why am I torturing myself??so depressed and sad again..I couldn't sleep so finally woke up at 9...and anyway I need to start research for my assignment already since I never got to do it the day before...and it's dueing tomorrow!!but I was so tired also today..maybe it had really taken a toll on me..all the sleepless night..all the depressing thoughts..*sigh*...I'm really fucked up!messsed up!Why does he have to mess up my life??why does he have to enter my life and then fuck it up and then leave??!!IDIOT!!!hate it...hate it..hate it..shit man!what's wrong with me??I'm still at it..and I still cannot let it go....ARGHH...it's so frusfrating...it's really not nice to feel this way...heartaching..pain...u think nice to feel so sad and depressed every single day...and that idiot have to invade my thoughts every single day countless time....and to think that I would hate him...but no..in fact the opposite...I miss him..see!what's wrong with me??so damm sad...he really messed up my life...messed up my rhythm of life..I should be doing my work instead I'm here blogging...no mood...and I have a class later somemore...so sad..he was a part of my life before but not now so why do I still care??he's a useless piece of shit...so why care..why bother?it probably means I'm worse...since I care..I'm worse than a useless piece of shit.ahahaha..so what does that makes me?*sigh*........
My mood:
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Day 11,12
Day 11-Monday
Was talking on the phone with yee till 3 something the night before..and I end up sleeping at 4 something...shit dei!somemore I got early class today..have to wake up 6 something...sleep like 2 hours??not a good one too...was really damm tired..can't even open my eyes...but have to force myself...rush like mad since I was late already...and guess what??I missed my quiz..that idiot psycho bitch lecturer purposely done it..she gave her quiz so fast so that the people that came in late cannot do it...idiot!!was really tired...then later I have a long break in between my next class..6 hours dei! and since nad needs to go back to take care of hans so we cancel all the plans for the day....was actually planning to go to yee house but end up agreeing on going T.S...i know..u must be wondering..again??!!so went there...I know he wouldn't be there since he got school..but I was hoping to see him..at least in the afternoon..after school??I know..I'm a stupid fool for thinking that again....playee badly...but manage to practice as not many people was there in the morning..spend a lot too....more than I normally do...and somemore in a few hours time..was not really in the mood...later I was late for my next class..I went to a different place to take the bus since I it's nearer..but to find out the busses in that place is inconsistent..the time..don't know how long you have to wait..idiot!and I was starting to get nervous already cause I have a quiz for the coming class too..and I don't want to miss it ...so finally decidr to take the taxi..but later receive nad msg saying quiz cancelled..*phew* lucky..didn't take the taxi..if not waste money for nothing..so I decide to went back to the station that I normally go to take the bus there..and turn out I only late for my class for half and hour...it will be more than that if I still continue to wait like an idiot in that other station...it was a really hectic day..seems to me I was rushing everwhere...and I 'm really tired..not enough sleep somemore...fall asleep on the lrt somemore and later fell asleep while watching the tv..never get any work done again...so tired..
Day 12-Tuesday
was another tiring day..and I never did sleep well..and I have another 8a.m class again this morning...shit man!woke up at 6 something again..but at least today no need to take the lrt+bus cause my dad fetched me since it's a public holiday for selangor..but not k.l..haih..so stil have to go to school..I have another long break in between again...5 hours this time...so after my morning class I went home since nads need to go home again..and yee going out with mom..no place to go..so went home..and later went back for my evening class...was really tired...I was like half asleep half awake the whole day....keep falling asleep in places where I got to sit down..in class also...dei no dah!I fall asleep everytime I got to sit down...terrible..i was anotehr sad and depressing day again...was really depressing when I got home during my long break..no one at home..facing the fall walls again..then started to think bout it again...sad..tears again...*sigh*...later after my evening class, I was so tired..I was thinking I can get to rest once I got home but no...dad was home and he ask me to sweep and mop the whole of upstairs...darn man!so tiring.....but what to do?I have to listen to the general's order right?later that night talk on the phone with yee..watch my tv later..and was planning to start on my assignment later that night that due soon..due on thursday..but was too tired and fell asleep again...*sigh*..
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Day 8,9,10
Well..it's been a long time since I updated my blog..kinda busy...and also not really in the mood..many things happen..I my as well update in one shot..
Day 8-Friday
Well...I stayed overnight in BB since I'm going drinking at night...went early with yee to find a better hotel since we don't really want to stay int he one we've booked..it's kinda our last resort..if we have no place to stay then we'll stay there..but lucky we managed to find a place quite fast actually..and it's cheaper and nearer also...and not to mention nicer....so later we went to T.S planning to spend the whole day there...there was a lot of ppl there since it's apublic holiday....but he was not there..well i was kinda hoping to see him there..and kinda not..wanted to ask yee to ask a few questions...well...kinda no mood to play also...it reminds me lots of things going back there...was sad..quiet too....i guess...later after dinner,we went drinking..i kinda got myself drunk..not really very drunk though..it's just that I can't read any words that are in front of me..was crying and laughing at the same time too....who the hell ask them to play sad music...don't know used up how many tissues..i know i was crapping a lot too..but i forgot half of what i crapped...but i think most of it is nonsense...poor yeez have to take care of me..she was actually getting drunk too but then because of me she sober up..hahaha...because have to take care of me..I didn't know how we managed to get back to the hotel...all I remember was that I was not walking straight and was laughing and crying the whole way back...and went back to crapping again once we are back at the hotel..according to yeez,I was shouting but then to me I was just talking nicely...probably I'm drunk that's why I didn't realize it...I don't know what I did but I know I did lots of stupid thing..I was also singing i think...and I remember that I keep going to the toilet...hahaha..funny isn't it?But after more than one hour..I'm awake already..didn't really drink enough that's why so fast awake....*sigh*..so went to sleep..was 3 something in the morning anyway..
p.s..it's exactly one week already...sad..=(
My mood:
Day 9-Saturday
Slept like a pig but only until 6 in the morning..consider I only had good sleep for 3 hours..after that I keep waking up every single hour....I even cursed myself for losing sleep again..how long must this go on?..later yeez woke up too at 10 something and she told me she was not feeling very well last night and only fall asleep at around 6....lucky not really serious..and I didn't even know!!should have wake me up mah...so after dressing up and eating,we checked out..and we went to T.S straight..we want to be there early to avoid the crowd...*sigh*..and guess who was there?yup..he was there..never expect to see him there so early though...well everything was normal..I mean he acted normal..of course me too...but can see he's not his usual self..and he was kinda cold too..when yee ask him about it..he totally ignore her and can see that he don't want to talk bout it....we didn't talk much..probably because the situation was kinda awkward..and I don't feel like talking too..was really sad again..I didn't know by seeing him would invoke such strong emotions within me...had a hard time controlling it...and that idiot seem so cold and cool about it..I can see he's not his usual self..probably he's also just acting?I was trying to be cheerful the whole time though..not really sucessful though...felt so sad whenever he came close or stand near me...what he wants now?can't he just stay away?..i mean I need some distances...maybe I'm the one with the problem...I wanted to see him and I don't want to see him..see him, felt sad..don't see him,miss him...what's wrong with me???but I can see he's also having some problem there..or am I just imagining it?At least he still help us whenever we got challenged..and he did purposely came over and say bye to me(and after he said bye,I hit the wall on usui which I don't normally hit)...but normal friends do that also..*sigh*...well,I don't know...don't want to care but somehow I still care...it's not like we can go back anyway,right?But I'm really depressed..still giving myself false hope..shit!that's not good I know..
Day 10-Sunday
Yes..didn't have a good sleep again...did some crying before I went to sleep..*sigh*...dad's birthday today..didn't do much...was dreamy the whole day...or should I say depressed..cannot concentrate and cannot bring myself to study too..kept thinking bout it and the encounter I had on saturday..I think it just got worse cause I'm back to giving myself false hope....this is bad..hey i know it's bad..but I can't help it ok?I know everyone's gonna laugh at me if I say I'm back to looking my phone..not every minute lah of course..but like everytime it sounded..I will be really anxious to pick up..and everytime I heard that message tone, will be really anxious to see it too...and only to find out it's not him and get dissapointed for nothing...I know it's stupid to think like that...anyway,I'm getting used to it already..I know I will get dissapointed each time but I still can't let it go..still anxious to pick up the phone..to see it...hoping it's him..still giving myself false hope..I really stupid and useless...hate myself!I help my parents to clean up my house(since chinese new year is coming soon) to get my mind off over these things...but it's only temporary...I still went back thinking about it...*sigh*..what to do?it already past one week and still....
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, January 20, 2005
11:58 PM
Day 7
I actually slept quite well...well quite i mean not really well though..was very tired when I woke up..studided for my quiz the night berfore and never managed to finish studying..too tired and lazy??well,at least the quiz went well..consider I'm not in the mood to study...I was perfectly fine the whole day...had the usual fun with nad and rosh...I'm too lazy to describe here..I was my usual cheerful,bitching self.....I though I was ok already...I didn't really think about it...probably there's too much workload...arghh!!starting to stress....finally decided the topics to do for both of my research.....much more work coming..and I realize I've so much reading to do not to mention assignments here and there....I'm kinda behind..really need to catch up on my reading...not in the mood leh...yeez finished her exams today too so we went to "fish station"..hahaha...need to practice mah...two weeks never touch ID already..hahaha..I was hoping that my performance will be very bad but it turn out to be ok...but I kinda dunno how to hold the steering wheel already..my reflexes are slower too..hey!what you expect?so long never play already...battle wih yee..boost off somemore..won her!yeah!was so scared till I made lots of mistake...but I'm still happy..but it's just that probably she never practice for so long that's y only lose to me..I knew I can never win her...but still..but of course later she challenge again and won..she killed my consecutive wins!=(...I was ok...kinda happy all this while but then when I see yee playing then I think bout it again...somehow ID is related to him..somehow...well,cannot deny that his ID skills is very good..but I was ok..not until after I wanted to try out his friend's car(one of his friends's card is still with me,but I gave back all his other card already)...that car was really fast..it's a good car...but my performance was really bad..I don't know how to drive an dc already!!and I'm not good at controlling a really fast car..need more practice..*sigh*..then after that I thought about it..then sadness overcame me like a wave..I didn't even have the time to stop it..or should I say I didn't have the time to supress it?tears then came flowing out of my eyes..but only a few drops..not much..I'm so damm useless!!Why the hell am I still sad??It's almost a week already...tommorow is exactly a week already...I thought I will be fine after one week...I even cried when talking on the phone with hy about it..what's wrong with me??Well I was wrong..one week is not enough..I guess I needed more time..somemore I'm such an emotional person...is that a good or bad thing??I am trying to let go bit by bit...day by day...the pain lessen..the thoughts lessen...the ache lessen..the tears lessen...but still...the pain,the ache,the thoughts..all of them are still there...it hurts....how much more time do I need?At least I'm out and running...not hiding at a dark corner inside a gloomy house depressing...I'm out enjoying my life...living it like no tomorrow..hahaha...really thanks to my friend who really support me throught all these times...without them..I probably be hiding at a dark corner inside a dark gloomy house depressing...yeah!proud of myself just for that.....going drinking tomorrow somemore..hahaha!have another drinking session coming next week too to farewell rosh....=)can't wait....hahaha..am I mad or what?maybe...who knows??
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Day 6
Fine..I never update again..this was suppose to be posted on wednesday..been kinda busy..Nothing much on this day..went to yee house in the morning cause I wanted to save my lunch money again..and then later went for my evening class..I only had one idiot one hour class on this day..didn't do much..was tired too...didn't really slept well again the night before..kept dreaming..shit..felt kinda sad the whole day..had a fight with mom when I got home..cried after wards,not about mom but also affected a bit of course...I was depressed about everything...parents!they don't know anything then stop scolding me...everything is my fault..everything that goes wrong is my fault!!WTF!.......was extremely patient with dad also today..never show my temper but really feel like just punching his face and ask him to just fuck it!I'm trying to be good here and all he knows is knows how to scold...he even go to the extend of not cleaning my room..he swept and mop every single room except mine..hah!I knew he purposely done it..well like I can't do it myself!*sigh*..another day and yet I still haven't gotten over it...
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
10:39 PM
Day 5
Ok fine..I know I was rushing through the last post..so I can just go on with today's post..well whatever..Didn't slept well again last night..although was tired..I awoke at 3 o' clock in the morning for no reason and started crying again..shit man..I'm really into depression or what?I though I should be ok already by now..but I was wrong...don't know I cried for how long..my eyes were like so tired..I fell back asleep..woke up at 6.45 a.m..I had another 8 o' clock class again today...woke up late..rushed through my morning routine and hen went to college..I wasn't my usual self today..the whole day I was moody..i was so quiet when i went for breakfast with nad,rosh and shaz...tired I guess..I didn't ate anything as I had eaten but I did eat a bit of nad's roti canai..and nad order a ice milo for me...well..after eating..we went to hangout in the jungle since we had a long break for like 5 hours..and nad brought her laptop and a few vcds..rosh too..so we went up to jungle and watch....some ppl will know what we watch,right yeez?It was boring...rosh's one..boring lah!Later nad's laptop was too hot for functioning too long already I guess so and we are done with it anyway so we decided to go someone for lunch..we couldn't decide where to go..at first rosh say go to his club to eat but then me and nad later say we want to eat the dim sum in hartamas again..so we ended up arguing where to go..but in the end agree on going to rosh's club..hehe..no need to pay mah..rosh that cheapo limited us that each of us can only order two snacks..hmpphh!but ended up giving in to us lah of course..and he say I can order anything cause I didn't ate anything just now..hahaha...I guess he saw me being moody and quiet the whole day that's why..so of course I order japanese food!at first that cheapo rosh don't let but end up I won...so I order a chicken teppayakki set..everyone ordered their stuff..shaz really had this thing for fried rice..he really like fried rice lah..he also admit..after eating and chatting for like more than one hour..it's time to go for our class so we headed back..on the way dropped shaz since he's going back as he had no class already..shaz really is a nice guy lah..a real gentleman...he really is lah..he open the door for the girls..he open the car door for nad and me..you rarely see guys do that..and not one time..it's everytime...didn't really notice it last time probably been closer now with rosh and all....so that's why..anyway we went back for that nemo fish lecturer class..rosh sit in too...only an hour class..then later we have a two-hour break till our replacement class for social..idiot..replacement class again...blame it on public holidays..so we decided to drove up to the jungle again..only three of us this time..nad n rosh wanted to buy the ice cream from mcd..and asked me but I didn't feel like eating..seems to lost my appetite so I told them no need..the were like shock..and say soemthing's really wrong with me today..they bought their ice cream and we went up to jungle to talk bout it...nad and rosh say they can see I'm not my usual self today..I was like in my own world half of the time..staring out through the space..and so quiet..and like so sad and I didn't ate much today + I didn't want my ice cream..I didn't had much appetite today..actually these few days..I didn't eat as much as I used to...I have lost some weight too..like I'm not skinny enough..underweight already somemore want to lost more weight..what to do..didn't slept well since the day we broke up..my appetite gone with it too..I used to eat like a pig..but now..they ask me to talk about it....I just kept quiet..and tears staretd flowing again..then nad say that I must really like that guy lah..and she feel like punching that guy for making me like that..nad and rosh both ask for his number too..but I didn't give of course..and rosh say he felt like going t.s to find him and beat him up...and he even ask me if I want to or not..he can ask other ppl to beat that guy up too..he got connections..they say they feel like finding that idiot and really beat him up for making me like that...but of course I say don' want lah..and for what want to beat him up..I also won't want to see him hurt right?...*sigh*..nad say I was so happy before that..was so cheerful..chirpy.happy..too happy in fact..and she even say I'm glowing that time and now suddenly like that..she say that guy really an idiot..not even 2 months want to ask for a breakup..and in the first place he asked for it first..now want to ask f0r breakup..haih..what to do right?So we talk about it...then talk bout something else too...felt better too...but still..it takes time..more time...I dunno why today every single thing reminded me of him...somehow..even got one time when rosh laugh..it sounded really like him...I really don't want to think about it..but it's hard..so sad and depressed...I really was serious..I really like him then or should I used the the word "love"?..I dunno..I really dunno..all I know is that it hurts..and is still do...I guess I just need more time to let go...I hope so..more time...
© Enigma
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Day 4
Should have posted this yesterday but then again I was too tired..Slept at around 5 the night before and have to woke up at 6 the next day (monday) because I have an 8 a.m class..I was talking to yee the night before..was sad again..don't dare to sleep..went for class as usual..was not feeling tired that time..althought I only slept for like one hour...and then my evening class was cancel and rosh had something to do..nad too..so we decided to just go home after class..I was perfectly fine during the whole class..even kinda energetic..probably after much talking to my friends the day before..it helps..then after class ende at 10,I sat down with nad....waiting for rosh..we didn't know he got something to do that time and couldn't come..so we called him and found out that he couldn't come out until 12 and nad need to go home around 1 so what's the point of rosh coming..so we decided to just go home..so I sat down with nad and we started chatting....about her problem with one friend...it's always nice to listen to her stories..and her problems..I was in a listening mood too..so we ended up sitting there for one hour..then we went to buy our books and then headed for home...I was thinking it's so early and I wouldn't want to go home that early..so I decided to give a call to yee and see if I can go over her place..can save my lunch money too..hehe..lucky she kinda just woke up when I call her...so I went over to her place...watch some tv..talk..eat..play comp..online..read doraemon???bla bla..oh and nad call me many times couldn't get me cause my phone was on silent mode and inside my bag..but later yee wanted to see my phone or something then saw nad miscall and msg so she help me miscall nad back and then nad call me back..and guess what?she just found out/remember that we had a replacement class today for personality..at 5 till 7..argghh..we were both so lazy and tired to go all the way back so we decided to skip class..sometimes I wonder how I manage through..so later I didn't feel like studying so never did...was kinda sleepy too..so i fell asleep in yee's house..awoke and felt depressed later and then was thinking bout it...felt so unwanted and unloved..the next thing I know tears came flowing out..haih....cried for a moment..lucky she wasn't in the room..but she came in suddenly and I didn't really had the time to hide so I just turn my body sideways..but well well....it's obvious..so what can I say?she found out....I'm lazy to describe what happen next since it's yesterday news..can I get one with today's?well let me just finish..so after that sat down and watch show with her and later her grandmother join too..that show was on astro before already but I didn't watch it that time only watch a few episodes..after the show ended,looked at my watch..saw the short needle pointing at 7..felt it's time to go home already..so pack my things up..and went out..but sat outside for like 20-30 minutes talking to yee only I started walking back..reached home bout 8..bath..then ate dinner..watch tv and fell asleep..mother woke me up to ask me to go back to my room to sleep.
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Sunday, January 16, 2005
10:23 PM
Day 3
Didn't get much sleep last night..keep waking up during the night..it's been like that since that day..always had nightmare..and I can't sleep well..will keep thinking bout it..was I traumatized?When I woke up..I didn't want to do anything so I laid on my bed..thinking again...tears flow out through my corners of my eyes..I can't help it..I though I had already let it go but somehow there's a small part of my heart that doesn't feel that way..A small part of my heart still somehow hope that this is all a dream and thath he will msg me saying he made a mistake and let's start all over again..I realized I was serious about this relationship...before that I didn't realized..it's so ironic..now I only I know how come I'm so sad and depressed over it..because I was serious and I just couldn't believed it's all over...I was really serious although it was a short period of time..then I went about doing my normal routine..ate my breakfast...pretend everything is like normal in front of my parents of course..anyway dad is angry with me and using the " treating me like a stranger" tactic..he totally ignored me and keep saying things out loud purposely to my mom and make sure I can hear it just so to hurt me...ahh..fuck it..I'm not even in the mood...can't you see your daughter is under depression?why do you want to hurt me again?my heart had just been hurt and I haven't recovered yet..you don't know anything ok..so can't you stop hurting me?I was really depressed the whole day..been doing a lot of thinking again...locked myslef inside my room and was crying the whole day...I can't stop crying somehow...It really hurt me..My heart is really aching..heartbroken you can say..and I'm still waiting for his msg to say all this was a mistake..am I stupid or what??I felt asleep after much crying..was too tired..but I woke up from another nightmare again..I think I dreamt about it..can't really sleep well...I really needed someone to talk to..but I couldn't get hold of a single person the whole day...but finally I called yees...talk to her....cried again...felt better..I really need a shoulder to cry on.. and someone to hug and comfort me...later I talk to pei yie too....I talk to both of them quite a few times...I felt much much better...a lot of things happen..I dunno how to describe it..but they both made me feel a lot better...I thought through lots of stuff again...I think I had managed to let go a bit of something..a bit..not much but still...at least I finally can accept the fact that he's not going to msg or call me..so I can just stop looking at my phone every 5 minutes like an idiot...I have already stop waiting for his call or msg...at least I've learned to let go a bit..nad did call too but she was still outside..I think she just wanted to check if I'm ok..it's really nice of her to do that...I realize I really have friends that really care for me...thanks to them..for helping me getting through these hard times..without them I would probably be killing myself right now...they really gave me lots of emotional support that I really needed during these time..thank you..you all help me even though everyone of you was busy with your stuff....thank you...
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Saturday, January 15, 2005
7:30 PM
Day 2
Woke up today..found that I had made a 180 degrees turn..my head was at the other end of the bed..how long have I not done it..then when I woke up..the reality hit me again..I realized what had happened yesterday..a feeling of sadness washes over me that instance..feel like crying all over again..I feel like shit..my body was kinda aching and tired..my eyes are sore too..when I look at the mirror..then I realized not only I feel like shit but look like one too..deep dark circles around my eyes... look really like zombie and I also saw two new pimple popping out...and my face was kinda pale and I look dead....in short I look like the tsunami just hit me...Then I got my things done and get ready to go to college today for that replacement class..can you believe it..at 8.30 in the morning??!I have to like wake up an hour and a half earlier..since I needed like an hour to get there..not really in the mood for a class too..but was force to go because I wanted my attendance...So I went and u know what?The lecturer just have to mention and talk bout relationship that day..so I went all moody again..before that I was fine..I was trying to act as though nothing has happen and be like normal..but the idiot lecturer just have to mention about it..actually before that nads also did ask what happen but she saw me all quiet and I really didn't sound right,so she say tell me when we go driving later with rosh...I agreed too...since college isn't actually the best place to talk bout it..Well I met an old friend in college today..a good thing too..
After class,we waited for rosh and his car!His car is like our second home..We bought something from Mcd as usual.rosh gave me his hash brown to eat,so I didn't need to buy anything..Rosh seems moody today also..so we straight away know something is not right and he must have some problem..we keep bugging him to tell us and talk bout it..We then drove up to the "jungle"(a place that kinda belong to us,we use to drive up that just to hang out,the place have lots of tree and look like a jungle that's y we call it the jungle)..rosh keep on denying but in the end he gave in to our bugging..we kinda actually know what his problem about too..actually he's kinda sad to leave his family and friends...we advice him and all..we even say it's ok to cry if he wanted too..i mean just let it out..then nad there say that " rosh..nevermind..it's ok..since this woman here will surely cry afterwards.."so then I laugh...actually we all laugh..then later we talk about something else that really make us laugh like hell..and rosh is so funny as he really believe there's a terrorist attack that day the black out happen and the terrorist came from the border of thailand and killed the customs and then bomb putrajaya and then went to sabotaged the electectric main control center or something like that.that's why there was a black out in quite a number of places..he even told his father about it..it's so funny..but later he only know he's been fooled..haha..it's so funny..both me and nad laugh like hell and rosh still doesn't get it..end up three of us laugh like mad in the car..our stomache was so pain and we couldn't breathe due to over-laughing..I laugh till tears come out from the corner of my eyes..it really damm funny..how long since I have laugh this way?it's good to be able to laugh like that..laugh till you cry..I felt much better that instance...then it was my turn to talk..rosh wanted to know what had happen since I sounded like I was under depression yesterday night while I was talking on the phone..I didn't told him what had happened..he said I sounded like I had been raped by someone..haih..rosh..rosh..so I started to talk..the windows were winded down since they wanted to smoke..it was calm also that moment..there's a light breeze blowing too..so it's quite peaceful in the jungle..I told them what happen..was quite calm at first..but end up crying lah of course..later...felt kinda better..nad then console me..rosh also of course..nad then said she also been dumped before last time and was even worse so she started talking bout her past stories about her ex's..it was kinda nice to listen to her stories..it made me feel so much better..and all of us just sat there listening to her stories..and enjoying the breeze and that moment....we had moments of silence here and there but it was a very comfortable silent moment...and nad went on talking as she was in the mood for talking and we are in the mood for listening...that moment was very nice for all of us...I felt that everything is actually alright that moment,that instance...but sadly we all had to leave early since rosh had to be at somewhere at 12.30..so we all went home after that..and can you believe it rosh that cheapo gave us 7 bucks to take the taxi..at first he said 10 bucks but then again what can you expected from a cheapo?so it went down to 7 bucks..hahaha...but it's so not rosh to give us money..hahahaa....so me and nad took the taxi..she dropped me at the lrt station and then she went home..both of us were kinda tired..she went out again last night..hahaha..we were still laughing about rosh when we are inside the taxi and we said how much we gonna miss him when he go off..nobody can be like rosh..so straight and naive in a funny kind of way..*sigh*....
I went home and after eating..I felt asleep while watching the tv..was so tired..later woke up thinking about it again..and couldn't go back to sleep..somehow have this phobia of falling back to sleep..once I lie down then I will start thinking bout it then become depressed for no reason again...actually I should be ok already after doing much thinking..but still somehow will feel sad bout it...I just need much more time..and the more I think the more I have lots of question to ask...maybe I really need to do a face to face talk..will it be better somehow?Well i dunno..but somehow I will feel better doing that....or do I just need more time...we'll see how....we'll see how..
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, January 14, 2005
10:53 PM
Pain
hey..it's me again blogging here again since there's nothing better else to do or should I say I really don't know what to do..ouch..it really hurt somehow..a different kind of pain..well,I never thought it could hurt this much though..it's not like we've been together for long but then again I don't know why am I feeling this way..it really leave a cut in my heart..ouch..it really does hurt..how deep is this cut?well i really dunno too..depends how long I need to recover..but it's kinda deep though...will I fully recover?well..i don't think so..somehow it will leave a scar or a mark there...it will remain there..It's not nice,this pain i mean...i hate it..tears too..i hate all of it..but I can't help it..it's out of my control..I never ever want to be hurt in this way ever again..hey..I don't think my poor little heart can take it..I'm not that strong,so I don't want a second time..don't ever be serious again,it doesn't really help you gain anything except additional pain?....well..i know it's not good to think that way but can't help it...It hurts a lot..It really does..I'm so tired..really tired..my eyes are sore..my mouth is really dry..my head is aching..I really don't want to think bout it..this pain is killing me,but I know somehow I will survive this pain as I had survive other obstacles that came my way before...it's just another one of them...after all I still have many friends out there who care for me...I can't let them down,right?All i need is time...more time... *ouch*
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Over..
Well..everything is over..no big deal..so?we broke up...it's a good one in fact..we are still friends though..no big deal..it's not my fault anyway..if he can't take it that i'm doing better than him in studies..hey!studies is important,so it's not my fault for trying to excel in it..although i not really excel in it..but working hard towards it...it's my future,so I have to work hard for it..if his ego can't take it,then fine..none of my business..I've done the right thing and the right choice..Actually I kinda seen it coming anyway..so..I kinda knew it..well just didn't expected it to be so fast..and I should be the one asking for it..but well it's done anyway..over and done with it..fuck it!A small part of me is relieved,well a small part of me feel angry and pissed off..and another small part of me felt sad and depressed but hey..it's just a bit..no biggie..i mean I'm also a human and you have to allow yourself to grief over it to accept it including going along through other kind of fellings such as sadness,anger,shock...etc....so it's ok to be feeling this way...time will wash it away..probably I won't feel anything the next day for all you know...*sigh*...don't know..don't care..so for now just let me vent all my mixed up feelings here..I've learned something too from this..it's an experience and a mistake..shouldn't have started it anyway..since I already knew from the start we were both from totally different world..a mistake...well,we learned from our mistakes..only then we can began a better person...so..think on the bright side,it's also a good thing for both of us...anyway...i can concentrate on my studies now...a good thing too right?It's good being single again...yeah....live my life like no tommorrow...hahaha..i'm a newer,better person...looks the world at a slightly different perspective..althought it's only a slight difference but hey it still make a difference right?...I rocks!proud to be who am I and how I turn out to be!Hahahahahha..........=)..?=(..?*_*?<_>?^_^??hahahhaha.......
P.S. just feel like posting a short part of the lyrics here:(refer to previous post for full lyrics)
The race is over time to discover brand new spaces
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
The race is over time to discover dreams and places
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, January 13, 2005
11:43 PM
The Race is Over
Yes..yes..another lyric from one of the ID song..a nice song indeed..all ID songs are nice lah!!
The Race is Over
I've been spending all my lifetime driving on my car
Now I can see the way to fly high, that I can go far
One day I'm leaving my past behind
Dancing in the fire of another life that I can try
The race is over time to discover brand new spaces
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
The race is over time to discover dreams and places
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
I've been searching for tomorrow, waiting for the sun
Now I believe I made there never and it's time to run
One day I'm leaving my past behind
Dancing in the fire of another life that I can try
The race is over time to discover brand new spaces
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
The race is over time to discover dreams and places
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
I've been spending all my lifetime driving on my car
Now I can see the way to fly high, that I can go far
One day I'm leaving my past behind
Dancing in the fire of another life that I can try
The race is over, time to discover brand new spaces
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
The race is over time to discover brand new spaces
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
The race is over time to discover dreams and places
The race is over now and forever you can live it your way
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Procrastination
Procrastination...something I know is bad and I shouldn't do but why do I keep repeating the same mistakes?*sigh*...now look just because I didn't went to sign up earlier...there's no more place for media clippings already for my individual assignment for social psych class!argghh...added stress..now I don't know which to do?!!either movie or book cause the public campaign thingy is definetely out!Which one??
Movie
Pro-easier,faster,source available since can borrowed movies from nad,can at least crap something on the paper,lesser stress
Cons-too much movie to watch,10 leh!have to think and look out for psych concept,eyes will be tired,boring.....it's just another assignment u r force to do!
Book
Pro-interesting & fun,can keep it for memory,you will be proud of it
Cons-harder,a lot of work,hard to think for theories to linked,have to draw,have to think up a story suitable for children that includes the theme aggression,altruism,discrimination,spend more money and time not to mention brain power,have to write a 5 page paper after using up all your energy on making the book,more stress..the list goes on and on...
*sigh*.........My id=my heart is telling me to do the book...but my superego=my head is telling me to do do the movie...should i follow my id or my superego?the pleasure seeking one or the rational one?heart or head?arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Been on it for dunno how many days already.......how??how??should i toss a coin to decide?how dah...??dei!how??
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Medusa
I'm already half asleep while entering this entry..I'm so tired and sick.my hair's like medusa..my face also...like zombie..feel like vomiting looking at the monitor.....been on proquest for hours..don't know read how many articles and journals already...just to find a fucking suitable topic for two of my psych research..we wanted to do questionnaire and surveys instead of experiment since it's a lot of work and so we have to take past research's questionnaire to use or known questionnaire from sites..and I can't find a fucking single questionnaire on the topic I wanted to do..so I search...and search...each and every topic...well..at least found it for social psych one..actually nad found it..just hope our group member will agree on that topic..but for human personality class we still haven't find a suitable topic..all the topics i found all conduct experiment and that slow grandma tortoise lecturer never give us even a research tracks/guidelines or anything...so wide..how the hell i gonna find??somemore have to decide by this friday already..and the ERB form have to submit by week 4 for both of them....at least that psycho bitch give us guidelines and research tracks for the social one althought she's really a bitch who wants tip top work and expect every single details..and purposely trying to make it hard for us..that psycho bitch never even reply my email regarding my individual assignment choice..I scared no place for the thing I want to do..have to see her first thing tomorrow..I doubt got place left anymore..she said there's was only 5 places left on tuesday..now surely don't have already..left only movie, children's book and public campaign thingy..still pondering which to choose..if no place,I will either do the movie or book..wanted to do the book at first cause interesting and fun but it's a lot of work and that fucking minimum 5 page paper make it even harder+have to relate to research and theories,forget it lah!......just hope there's still place left for the media one..so tired..sleeping soon..cannot stand it already..stress also..so many work coming..the following weeks will be so damm busy man..tired..*yawn*..just hope I can wake up for 2morow's class in the morning...zzzzz...zzzzzzzzzzz........
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
11:21 PM
Quit?
Not going through a very good time now....I guess I just need more time to think through before it really affect my studies...I think I better call it quit since I'm unappreciated..I'm just treated like an idiot and I don't like to be treated like an idiot...It's really funny,now only I realize I've actually been like an idiot all along..all the things I did is actually embarassing myself..he doesn't give a damm!He doesn't give a damm...so why do I care?He's doesn't even remember what day is today...I'm like an idiot taking all the iniative..but he doesn't even care,ok?I doubt that he even remember my stuff too since he even forgot my no...I'm worthless to him..can't even bother to give a miscall or a msg...probably he thinks I am a waste of time,then why ask me in the first place since you think I'm a waste of time?huh?why?I really want to know why..if you can't be bother why ask in the first place?so just you can't hurt me like that?...hahaha.how can I be so stupid?now only i realized...I've been like an idiot all along...he was just playing and using me all along....not like there's no one else out there is after me..why the hell did I chose an idiot?not even there half of the time..unlike someone else...whatever..since now I know..the only rational thing to do is call it quit right?I've been fooled..I've been tricked...I've been hurt....but....I want my revenge maybe?...damm it!I just hate everything right now...feel dissapointed....I won't put any hope any more..just fuck it!I have better things to concentrate on..you are worthless to me..I still have my dreams and my future...you are nothing to me..just a piece of shit!Fuck you!I think I'm going to semi-retired from ID too...I don't have the urge to play anymore...I don't even feel like going into an arcade..not even a tiny bit..like today in midvalley..don't even feel like stepping in..never thought about ID too for a few days already...lose interest maybe?or dissapointed about it too?I dunno...I really dunno and don't understand...nobody can understand me either....
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Hatred.??
What is hatred?Have you hate anyone before?Surely..everyone have tried that before..at least once..It's not a really good feeling..Hating someone..it's easier to hate a stranger but it's hard to hate someone you know..it's possible but it's not a really good thing though..it's like a disease..that will eat you up slowly..and you will end up being the one hurt..unless that person is really a bitch or an idiot,then different case lah...When we want to hate a person,we will always find an excuse to hate them,no matter how hard it is,we will still manage to find something..some excuses to hate that particular person.It's really not a good feeling..how can you hate someone you like such as friends,families......etc...but it's possible though....Am I hating someone now?Yes..and no....well..actually I dunno.what the hell am i talking about?i don't even know...
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, January 06, 2005
9:57 PM
Leaving
I just realize that college life is depressing in some way..i mean as in you have to see your friends leave and continue their studies overseas..I mean I also happy for them that they can further their studies overseas and complete their studies soon but it's hard to see your friends off especially close one........*sigh*...today was a sad..depressing..heavy day as we got to know that rosh is leaving to australia next month...We had so many fun..irritating moments..sad moments together...he is the kind of person that is so funny with his "straightness" that you can't find in anyone else...*sigh*..he's also a good friend...althought he look scary from outside but then again when you get to know him..you will know he does not appears as he look like..am i right,nad?hahahaha........we're really gonna miss him..no more driving...=(..we really gonna miss the number one cheapo cockroach rosh...haih...everyone have to leave someday anyway..nad too..london??me?left alone?haih..it wouldn't be the same..one of the best things that happened in my college life is to get to know these wonderful people..they really changed my life...I'm really glad and proud to have friends like them..true friends...it's really hard to find these kind of friends these days...they're rare..it's easy to find a friend,but is it easy to find a true and sincere one?I don't think so...many friends I've known but not many are true and sincere...*sigh*...sad..sad..sad..Leaving is often so sad and hard..try that once..now again I have to try it the second time...will it be easier this time?
© Enigma
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
10:21 PM
Changes
today in interactive psych class..I learned something from a phrase that I would like to share it here...dunno why I just feel like doing this..
Changes are often followed by chaos, but it also comes with oppurtunity if you know how to grab it.
so are changes for the better......or for the worse?
© Enigma
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005
8:13 PM
Really fucked up!Super stress!!
This sem I'm really gonna die!DIE!I knew it...4 psych subjects?!!!you know how HEAVY it is or not??so many work...look at the course outline also start stressing already and that was only for 1 psych subject!!what about the other 3??1 psych subject have to attend 4 hour experiment..what about 4?research colloqium also have to attend 1 hour each?movie have to attend 1 each??!SOMEMORE 3 of the psych papers I'm doing need to conduct our own research??!!You know how stressful is it to conduct or not??so many procedure...have to design..all the stats stuff also....and later have to write lab report???4 lab report??!!1 lab report also damm stress already..now 4??at least 20 pages???!!FUCK!FUCK LAH!not to mention each psych subject also have its assignment and project which is a lot of work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!How many nights no need to sleep already??!Don't even have the time to go out??!!!Need to do work and study!!!!My life is gone!!!Gone!!all my entertainment!!!!where got time for those??don't even have the time to go out!!I feel so stress out..and it's just the starting..everyday i felt so tired..two days in a row..slept in the train..really sleep that kind..and went home slept straight for 2 hours yesterday...today felt emotionally detached..I don't feel anything..too tired and stress out already..When I come home..I really feel nothing lah..even when mom nag and father scold..I didn't even have the urge to talk..never even talk to them..only when they ask a question..I only answer a "yes" like a robot..and I look at them and I realize I don't feel anything..nothing..worry..scared..sad..happy..no emotion at all!!This is really weird!!!I response like a robot too..when they ask me to do stuff..I just do quietly without feeling angry...I'm actually willing to do housework??!!and I don't feel anything...??!!I'm really fucked up!!I'm too stress already...I wonder why am I majoring in this course in the first place??You think it's easy?Once,I heard it's harder than all the other courses..except medical..it is just below medical..so tell me again why am I torturing myself??Fuck lah!Feel like just fucking everything up!!I don't want to continue anymore!!I'm so damm sick already!!It's interesting i know but it's hard..real hard..the work and all....I'v never been so stress before in my life....it's getting worse each sem...worse!!STRESS!!ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...I really need a break..a really long break...............................shit!this is living hell man...I'm already in hell!!!!
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Sunday, January 02, 2005
5:34 PM
Another year...
A year had come and pass...time really do fly pass us..so fast..I already been in college for one year..so many things happen to me the whole of last year..so many changes..new environment..new people..new places..new freedom...but overall it was a fun year...I enjoy it although there's some sad..depressed moments here and there....well,who doesn't?Tried many new things too...hahaha..had my first drink....on 31st..long island rocks man!hahaha..eh,yee let's go drinking again next time k?hahahha...can't believe it...it was fun..should have stay overnight lah...regret!*sigh*..holiday's over...back to school again...back to my busy and stressful life....this holiday seems so short...so fast..too fast...I haven't had enough of fun...but my wallet had enough..I'm already very very broke...*sigh*..broke again....what to do?
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
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well..well..Am i right or what?
Well..I'm right...see..all guys are fuckers...well most of them are anyway...if any of you have been visiting my public blog..there been some old post on why guys are idiots..and so on...well it's kind of a feminist blog anyway..that's why I have this new blog...and I try not to infest this blog with my feminist view but somehow I can't help it..I just have to blurt it out here because I can't really stand them..see people..there's actually many different type of guys..the pervert type,the brainless type,the "action"type and oh ya there's also the good type which I think is already almost extinct..they are rare man...but it's the "action" type I'm gonna talk about here...The characteristic of this type of guys is that once they receive some attention from girls they will become "action" in another words..proud..it's their big useless ego which I'm so sad to say that causes this type of brainless species to act this way..After they receive some attention from girls,they will therefore think they are great/good looking or better than us girls...but in actual fact they are not!I can say this based on my personal experiences and also my friend's with our many encounter with this type of idiots....there's one of this idiot which I know that thinks he's very great and that I really desire him and will go after him just because I gave him a phone call and ask to meet..well...and you can expect how he act when we met...yes of course,action to the max!being so damm proud of himself....Well,I can't blame him for acting this way..as I must understand he's one of the brainless species..what more can you expect from a brainless species like him?Ask him to fuck off!who needs another brainless toad like him?You think I really like/desire you?You are so damm wrong man...I can certainly can live my life better without a brainless toad...the world will even be better without a worthless thing like him..His ego become bigger just because he gotten some attention from me..thinking that I really desire him or whatsoever...well..then,he's in for a surprise...hah!Just wait and see..how I "repay" this kind of brainless toad!No man can treat me like this without getting away easily!Want to action?Suit yourself...just wait and see what will I do...All i need is time and patience...and I will see who's the one come running back?hahahaha....I'm evil. ..well sometimes we'll just have to be harsh treating these idiots...if not they won't get it..as they are brainless,remember?who need these idiots anyway?
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
