take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Saturday, February 26, 2005
9:37 PM
Movie..
I have to watch lots of movie due to my social assignment....all sponsored by nad..currently had watch two and writing about it...still have a lot to watch dei!But this movie I watched "american history x"....yes..i know u all must be thinking..now only watched?how old already ah?..it's a 1998 show..and it's really a good movie..a good one..and a powerful one indeed..about racism...really make you sits through the whole movie...and I cry like hell while watching it....it's really different from other racism movie that you find...i think it's really good..although got quite an amount of violence and aggression here and there..but it's really good movie overall...dei...I don't mind watching it again leh...or don't mind paying for it..it's worth it...recommended for watching......
Quick Review:
American History is a profound and stirring drama about the consequences of urban racism as a family is torn apart by hate. A graphic examination of extremism in America, the film follows one man's struggle to reform himself and save his brother after living a life consumed by violence and bigotry.The story unflolds through the eyes of Danny Vineyard, who idolizes his older brother, Derek. Raging for retribution over the murder of their firefighter father and burning for a way to vent his rage, Derek finds himself transformed by a philosophy of hate.
"Hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time."
-american history x-
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, February 25, 2005
10:01 PM
Deep shit...
I'm in deep shit dei!..i checked the letterbox every single day without fail..somemore come back early to check for the parents lecturer meeting letter..and today when i went out and came back late..the idiot letter have to come..on the day when i decided to come back late..it have to come!!It was on teh table..already open and read..i quickly kept it away..just hope..better pray that my parents will forget about it..dei if not die dah!!!NOOOOooooooo....!!No wonder during the journey home..my mom keep asking bout my studies and exams..hmmmm...now I know why...hah!...
But I'm also very bad lah...lie to her today got exam but in actual fact go t.s..bad right?what to do...four subject mah..so four days loh...exam..since they still dunno i drop the subject yet..
anyway..today spent quite a lot..haih...but tommorow not going mah...got work to do..and no reason to give mother...and also actually a small part is that..only a small part is that don't feel like seeing him 2morow...good also right..don't see that much..anyway still can see right next week?or next next week..or whatever lah..fuck it lah..anyway..kinda busy also.just finish mid term exams..well i just realise i haven't bitched about exams yet..k..so here goes..actually the whole thing went ok lah..consider last minute..3 days in a row..not enough sleep..look like zombie and shit..as usual as everytime during exam time i will look like a zombie..what u expect with maximum 3 hours of sleep everyday!!this time really really last minute dei..but managed to pull through..i realise that i always never learn my lesson..always study last minute..maybe I'm the last minute kind of person??and always I managed to pull through..i guess that's why i never learn my lesson..ok..back to my topic..overall it went well..consider so..since only 3 subjects..social mcq ok..but a lot..80 dei..answer until my back and neck pain and all her questions all long story..and have to think....have to admit that psycho bitch is a very good lecturer that really teaches well..her notes is sufficient already and her notes even got extra stuff the textbook doesn't have..and of course we wrote down the examples she gave and explanation all down the notes(my notes is like rojak,full of writing..no one can read except myself..ask whoever that seen my notes b4..they have to squint their eyes man..)anyway,she really give good explanation and examples..k fine..she's a really good lecturer..i had said this before..but the short essay part..crapping all the way..i realise i can really crap..crap a lot as usual..hey..soemetimes crapping also can score leh!but I never answer 1 question out of 4 cause I really dunno how to crap since I dunno anything..forget already dei..i just read one leh!!and did i mention i never really read 2 chapters just browse through cause not enough time already..so can do also conisder ok already..haih..ok move on to the next paper,personality..since the tortoise lecturer can't really teach well..we have to really depends on ourself..that's y was rushing like mad studying personality cause a lot to read dei..unfortunately got one chapter cannot finish..one chapter got a lot leh..boring theories and boring book..no pictures..no story..unlike my social psych textbook..bleh!keep wanting to fall asleep...so I read up the notes on the chapter which I could not finish and hope it's sufficient..mcq was worse that social but consider ok also..got 50% chance...section B fill in blanks fucked up i guess,forget the terms d....the essay crapping again..crap all the way man..at least I do the required both questions although it's crap..hah!The last paper human comm..i think the best among all the paper since finished reading all the required chapters..all the chapters quite short that's y can finished reading in a short time..sleep sacrificed of course..don't remember the format..all i remember is a lot of writing.writing and writing..after mcq..then essay..after essay then critical thinking=essay again..but make it sounds nicer only..write already 2 essay then have to write 2 again..all together 4..writing non-stop..so tired..like a lot of writing to do..got study that's why know how to do..and lucky got do the essay exercises he gave in class..write until the whole body also aching already..not enough sleep for dunno how many nights that's why body damm tired..and aching inside out..and feel like sleeping..did I mention that I feel like falling asleep in every exam I did..sooo..oo tired..but I always forced myself to be awake and finish the exam first..but I always used up the 2 hours given anyway..where got time to sleep?torture man..force my eyes open..and cannot sleep..well..it's over anyway..just hope the results are good..and I have lots of work to do now also..my 2 psych research(lab report!!oh no!!and colloqium!!noooo!!think about it also stress d!!and what about all the calculations..stats..results all..think bout it also stress d!!)and don't forget still got assignments all...projects..and that human comm project..dei no dah!lot of work dei..but still have to find time for play..heh=)..i need to relax lah dei!
Well..well..me complaining here again...haih..but feel better dei..anyway this is my blog mah.!!that's all for today..tired lah..and have to do work somemore..
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
烦
烦..烦..烦..
好烦燥...
烦闷..
适止为可吧!
忍耐度就快到极限了...
可否给我一片刻的清静...
别在陶醉在自我的世界..
忽略了旁人的感受..
我也是人..
你晓的吗?
别只是一直谈论你的事..
有时我是想听..没错..
不过太过多于的话..
反尔会让人觉得好厌烦..
而且又是反复无穷.....
别在自我中心了..
我不想对你有厌恶的感觉..
或须对自己有厌恶感..
这么丑的我..
这麽坏的我..
竞然会对一个朋友..
产生了妒嫉心..
产生了厌恶感..
虽然只是一阵子..不过..
唉.....
还是让我有一片刻的休息时间吧..
让我透透气吧..
可否顾一下我的感受呢?
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, February 24, 2005
11:57 PM
天
天啊~!
天是不是喜欢玩人?
是不是觉得..
人类无能的样子
好有趣?
把人类为烦恼搞得团团转的样子
当着余兴节目?
为何呢?
就这么好玩吗?
就这么有趣吗?
就尽管去嘲笑吧..
尽管去讽刺吧..
去玩弄.......
我这个笨人类..吧!
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
人
人..
有各种各样..
好的..
坏的..
我看过各种各样..
自私的..
贪心的..
虚伪的..
自大的..
自以为是的..
当然也有..
善良的..
不过人究竞是人..
有感情的..
贪心..
自私..
妒嫉..
我呀毕竞也是人啊..
唉.......
听着她的声音..
她是故意的吗?
在玄耀?
顿时觉的好烦燥..
好妒嫉..
很妒嫉..
有一种讨厌的感觉..
真的好讨厌..
然而..
又生起了另一种厌恶感..
好讨厌自己..
觉得自己好丑陋..
为何呢?
听着听着..
觉得..
真的..
好自我中心..
顾一下人啊..
我也是人..
我也有一定的忍耐度的..
好烦..
有完没完似的..
p.s.除了偶尔看些杂志和漫画...和朋友谈话..跟爸爸讲话以外,都很少接触华文了..不知有没退步了?多多少少是会有的..唉...
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Saturday, February 19, 2005
9:25 PM
Another depressing day..leave me alone..
I don't feel like talking to anyone or doing anything....just another depressing day..leave me alone.....I know I shouldn't be like that..but just let me dwell in my sadness...leave me alone and let me be..sad..sad...sad...sad..sad..so sad....fuck!I didn't know ok?I didn't know I still could be so sad...so damm sad..and so painful...so many memories..didn't know it could still hurt that much..so hurting and so painful.......I thought I was back??so long already somemore...two months and more...I'm the world's most idiotic person..so dumb..so useless..damm useless and idiot...!!I couldn't help it...couldn't...couldn't stop the pain..the hurt...the tears....really damm sad....damn!I couldn't stop....flowing non-stop....so painful...so pain....all it took was the mere sight of him....fucking him...that I still miss..still want to see...still wait...fuck it!!Don't ask me to let go...cause I never could do it...just leave me alone!!I realise I never really treasure it when I have it...fuck it!!Why can't I be alone??Why must there be someone at home sad...sad...sad...sad...it's killing me..but I wouldn't die...just let me be like this for one or two days then I will be ok...leave me alone...damm!!I still can't stop...and I still have to study for my exams...damm...fuck you...do you know how much you've hurt me?how much tears I wasted on you and still do??How hard is it for me to act as though nothing has happened and as though I'm happy..??how hard for me to try to laugh in front of you?You fucking don't know...!!Fucker!So what's the problem now if you still like me?You are a fucker!!It hurts...it still does...and it hurts to know that I will be forgotten someday...while you won't...Fucker!Just leave me alone...I'm a hopeless case...leave me alone...that's all I want and ask....
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, February 17, 2005
2:59 AM
Idiot
Feel..
Care..
Hope..
Worry..
All i still have..
So eager to know some news..
So wanting to see..
So willing to wait..
I'm tired..
I'm really tired..
But I will still do so..
No matter how time passes..
It's my choice..
An idiot's choice..
And a very stupid one indeed..
which brings nothing
but suffering..
Whatever...Don't bother..I don't make any sense lately....It's good if you don't understand it..It's a piece of shit..whatever..Nevermind..why the hell am I still onlining??Shit!sleep..sleep!
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Monday, February 14, 2005
6:22 PM
Yeah!!Spread the love..
Hello everyone....I'm back!!As in back to my old self...........yeah..feels good to be back..feel free...yeah!Yeah!Well...for those who dunno what's going on or if I'm not making any sense to you...nevermind..just wanna say I'm back that's all..........Hey..It's valentine's day today...spread the love..to your loves one....your parents,siblings..family..friends..remember it's not only a day for couples,it's also a day for everyone else to spread the love...be it a family..a teacher..a friend..anyone..even to strangers..whoever you meet...spread the love...yeah..make the world a more beautiful place...peace...yeah!
Hmm..am I mad or what?Having a sudden mood swing here...hmm..is there something wrong with me?Ahh..don't care lah..!As long as I'm happy..!!Yeah!Spread the love..........Live life to the fullest!!Spread the love...
La vita è bella!!
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Relief! but...regret!!
Finally I make the decision to dropped cog and bio psych..after one night of thinking!I cannot stand it already...it's something like neuropsych..eeee..i really hate it..and I don't know what is going on..I calculated many times...missed one quiz somemore..literature review like fucked up..mid terms and finals no need to say..the coming quiz dunno can do or not..and ppl who attended the first quiz all say very hard and don't know how to do at all...my god!the most I can get is a D..that is just pass..and if there's a miracle..probably a C-and what's the point?I still have to retake if I get a D or C- since I need at least a C to transfer to the U i want...and hey..it will pull down my cgpa..It's very very hard to pull back up..and I have still two other psych subjects and human realcomm...the workload is too much dei!I rather waste the money now then have to retake and retake again then waste much more...it's a mistake..a mistake..a big mistake in the first place..as I don't even need that subject...the teacher also like fucked up..the book also..haih..I'm forcing myself to do it..ly limit already..yesterday whole day trying to do lit. review....print all the past researches..minimum also got 11 pages..max 20 pages and all small small word...and one page they divided it into half..all got words..and all the terms..my god!I reread 10 times on oone sentences only I finally understand what is it trying to say..ONE sentences only..Long one..somemore have 10 other pages..and it's only one fucking research dei!Still got how many more...that snail want at least 6...at least now dropping..and at least my cgpa is save...and it benefits in the long run...rather than taking it then waste money and pull down gpa..then got lots and lots of problems..But still it's a lot of money..stupid idiot me!!why didn't I think properly in the first place!!Stupid me!!But now I feel so much more relax and I have time to study for my other subjects and other assignments..so much stress had been lifted..I've been stressing it and forcing myself through it..now..it's a relief!Feel so free..and light hearted but there's a aching feeling at the corner of my heart cause I wasted a big amount of money..I'm bad lah..know how to waste money only...*sigh*..regret..regret...wish I can turn back time..parents haven't know yet..I scared they gonna have a heart attack if they know about it...dei how dah?
P.SRosh msg again today to nad lah....he have been msging the past few days..he miss us and all..hugging our pillow tightly...hahaha..he's well..but still cannot online yet..haih..
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
A miscall
On a friday night..
I got a miscall..
One look at the screen..
and tells me it's him..
A miscall from him?
How long have I not gotten it?
How surprised I was..
How happy I was..
How sad I was..
and..
How confused I was..
All which I thought I would never experience again..
I thought I had already gave up on it..
As my mind now is full of work,work,work..and work!
which would not have any more space for other unecessary thought..
Well..I was wrong once again..
What he wants now?
What is he thinking?
Why he did that?
Should I miscall back?
What should I do?
Millions and millions of questions..
But I never gotten any answers..
All I've gotten myself is more sleepless nights..
Dark circles..
Piles of undone work...
And..
I'm back to giving myself false hope..
Damm!
Looking at the phone...
Once again I'm back to the cycle that I thought I had break free from..
And all it took.... was a miscall.
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Friday, February 11, 2005
2:23 PM
Illusion..
I'm looking out through a glass window..
Everything seems so nice on the other side..
But it's not..
Illusion..
Everything seems like an illusion..
Everything is an illusion
reality?
where have it gone to?
Too late..
I'm already on the other side of the window..
But when I look back through the glass window..
The other side seems nicer..
An illusion again..
All is an illusion..
Nothing more but an illusion..
So am I living in illusion or reality?
Or am I just pacing back and forth..
in between the both?
I dunno...
I really dunno..
Illusion is reality..
Reality is illusion..
So why bother?
I'm not making any sense..
Am I?
I don't have to...
Cause it's all an illusion...
Just an illusion..
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, February 10, 2005
1:28 PM
3R's
The 3R's..
Roach,racoon,rodent...
One left..
Leaving behind only the 2R's..
The days are over...
No more "jungle"..
No more driving..
No more mcd in car..
No more second home..
No more "p" in car..
No more horror movie..
No more midvalley during break time...
No more bitching..
No more cheapo-ness..
No more arguing..
No more foot fetisher..
No more anger management..
No more R2..
No more "straight-ness".....
Less laughter..
Less noise..
Less fun..
Lots more are gone..
those were the days..
the memories...
Leaving behind only your prints on the wall..
Dei no dah!
We'll miss you..
Take good care of our PINK pillow...
Nobody can replace this "R" in our hearts..
Remember that...
*added*..p.s: to roach-must keep ur promise!!buy us presents!!!and belanja us when u come back..let's have fun again when you come back 4 holidays!!!remember,chivas?..hahahhaha..
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
<< Home >>
hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
11:50 PM
Day 21-26
Haven't been updating lately..haven't been that well lately and kinda busy..
Day21-Thursday
Nothing much...another fucked up day...didn't have enough sleep due to last minute doing assignment...did the usual stuff..went to school..wasn't myself..today nad dropped one of the psych subject since the class and the teacher is fucked up..she say she don't want to get an "F" and pull down her ccgpa so she rather drop..leaving me alone in that fucked up class which I really don't know what am I doing there since I don't really need that subject..I had to take it to fulfill my minimum 4 subject requirement and the GENERAL@hiltler at home ask me don't take too much other electives so I had to take psych subject..whatever..now I couldn't even dropp it since "Hitler" surely wouldn' allowed it.Just hope I can managed through this class...it's hard leh..and I have no interest in how the information is processed in the brain and which past of the brain do this and that!!by the way it's cognitive and biological psych...talking about the brains mostly..blah..blah..boring..and hard..lots of memorizing..like another bio..but worst!*sigh*...was very frusfrated...vent my frusfration and anger or whatever u want to call it towards nads and rosh..I guess it's too much already....what's wrong with me..
Day 22-Friday
My off day today...went to you know where again...saw you know who again...he skipped school again!!how can he skipped school every friday??somemore this year is a very important year for him..SPM exams leh this year...don't know how he's gonna managed..haih..and why do I fucking care?none of my business right?somehow I still do...hopeless lah me...wasn't really myself again..yes..still haven't been able to sleep well lately..seems to have more problems..I guess it's all the problems,one after another..I really cannot stand living in this house already...it's really hard.....I nearly lost my wallet today and ah loong,a friend kinda play a joke on me..he kept it actually..and i thought it was lost..really scared man cuz the GENERAL surely will kick me out of college if I lost my wallet..it's my LAST chance..dei! I asked for it but he kept denying it and everyone also so I got fed up and I walk out and left the arcade..hit the wall with my hand on the way out..I was so scared,it's my last chance and I don't know what to do..I really don't..I broke down..found a quiet spot to weep...I thought I was ok after a while..so I went out from my hiding spot..and I saw yeez and loong out there..I was told later that loong went all the way to 3,4,5, few floors to find me..and even wanted to go find me at 1st floor..sorry..he was really sorry for what he did..I can't think that time so I never give much thought about it..I kinda argued with yeez and I left to for my quiet hiding spot again as I was bout to break down again,I don't want ppl to see me cried that's y I always leave whenever I fee like crying..but this time they followed me..too late,they saw where I went..I shouted at them to ask them not to followed me..but I was already sitting on the steps,heads on my knees half crying..they came over and console me,kinda..I started talking to yeez..talking n crying..talking..loong went to took tissues for us..he' really nice..and he felt really sorry for what he did..heard from yeez later he even carve a sorry msg on the wall on that place...felt better after that...I'm sorry that loong have to run so many floors to find me..he was sweating somemore...he's really nice,even help me to wipe my tears kinda..took out my specs..wanted to take him as my pet brother..actually have that thought for quite some time already..got one time also he did the same thing,took out my specs and all when i cry...he's really a caring and nice person..that's why I've been wanting to take him as my pet brother..another reason also is because he's very cute and chubby..look like 9 years old..but in actual fact he's 14 already...hahaha...he act like a 9 years old sometimes too...funny dei...
got good news today also..rosh called up and told us that he's not leaving on monday but instead on wednesday..since he wanted to fly off together with another friend..
Day 23-Saturday
went to ts again...yes..u will think after yesterday,go agaiN?hey i lead an arcade life ok?it's one of my hobby....part of it..ya..saw him again..i always do..he's wearing that white woolly shirt( that i like) again and jeans..and his hair gel...haih.....still not really in talking terms though...ane at one point he got really angry when our car(yeez an me have a share car)lost..ah loong help us played against someone else i think..that fellow challenged us i think...he was playing beside also on a free round since he won the battle then he straight away forced quit his game,he's playing the characters by the way and straigh away come to our side..and help us challenged the fellow back...so angry somemore...for what?don't know....is it because ah loong lost at the last minute,near the ending...or is it because he knows that fellow...or is it because it's our car,part of the car is mine..that's y he so angry?haih...for what give myself false hope again..thinking he so angry because of me since that's kinda my car also....haih..seelah..i'm really a hopeless case,right?anyway...we all went over to daytona while he was battling...yeez said she don't trust him anymore since his performance these day bad already..don't know why become bad already..sometimes bad sometimes good...dangerous...haih...while he finished battling the match..he caught me looking at him again from the daytona side..shit man!i think he was finding for us...and then he look up..and why does he have to look at the daytona side..he caught me looking at him..kinda anyway..since we kinda look at each other for a short while only..i quickly look away and try concentrating on seeing yeez playing daytona..well it's not the first time anyway..happen lots of time already the past few weeks...the whole day also got a few times also..embarassing lah.Ate lunch,popiah later and did something that make yeez angry..we kinda play a joke on her...and think back bout it..it's kinder mean leh..althought I'm not involve directly but then again it's still consider so..i mean I shouldn't have done it...regret afterwards,felt really gulity after that..somehow felt like a bad friend and very guilty..i did apologize and although after that ok already,i still feel somehow it's not alright..still guilty and regret..i mean it's done already,you can't just pretend you never do it,right?no matter how..there still a mark there right?haih...
Day 24-Sunday
Got nothing much done today..planning to do my work but then really not in the mood so end up not doing anything..brother send some photos over,so went to print it out..quite a lot of them..parents went out with auntie since my aunt came...I stay at home since I prefer to..slept while watching t.v in the afternoon...relaxing the whole day.. exams coming somemore and have lots of assignment to do also..somemore got the time to relax..no mood dei!
Day 25-Monday
Very tiring.. .don't know why..didn't slept well..went for my 8a.m class that ends early..decide t skip evening class since I'm kinda lazy to go and wait all the way till 4 alone...nad didn't come for class today,she got diarrhea..and I'm kinda in the holiday mood..little people in college today...but there's still ppl around....went back home staright after that..everything went well..no jam today..the traffics all greenlight..surprisingly..the roads were kinda quiet too..Chinese New Year is approaching...went home and was so tired,I fell asleep..woke up,eat,sleep again..woke up..watch tv and sleep again...kinda sleeping through the whole day..very tired.. Oh ya,rosh was pissed off and bitching all the way cause we never told him he don't need to come today while he came and waited like an idiot for us..
Day 26-Tuesday
Woke up very early today since could not sleep already...suppose to go online do research but end up watching dvds..until got headache and then later have to go for afternoon class since morning class was cancelled..went early to spent time with rosh since this is our last time together..gave rosh his farewell gift and card..talk a lot..went to fish class and then later got hangout again..very little ppl in college today..we are like idiots going to class.,the college was really quiet and fish class all together got 9 people only including us...oh my gosh!..lucky fish class ends early so we had m0re time to hangout..but have to go back by 5 something already..we had like one and the half hour..we talk..and talk..and laugh over stupid things..talk about past..laugh about it...rosh,nad,shaz and me...got a few times rosh wanted to cried..eyes red and all..haih..we even ask him to leave his prints in college by writing something on the wall..vandalizing..hahaha..it was sad but fun..the whole thing..when it's time to leave,we all hug and everyone was sad... everyone kinda had a lump on the throat..haih..i hate farewells..we are not seeing him off the airport tomorrow..so this is kinda our farewell.we could have stay longer if not because we have to leave..nads have hans problem and I have to go back for my reunion dinner cause it's Chinese New Year's eve..haih..if not ..surely can go out to eat or do something...sad..did cry a bit..nad too wanted to already..and shaz called nad later and told her rosh cry like mad after we leave..*sad*..we promise to online tonight together to chat..did that..*sad*...
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Thursday, February 03, 2005
4:00 AM
Who am I?
Who am I?
One who is sad..
One who is down..
One who is aching deep down..
One who have been hurt..
One who still hurt..
One who still have not yet forgotten..
One who is still hoping..
One who is still thinking..
One who is still missing..
One who is still waiting...in vain..
One who have lost her sense of self..
One who is at the brink of insanity...
But one who will still hope..
Still think..
Still miss..
Still wait..
Still remembers..
Although it hurts...
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Day 20-Wednesday
Today was a depressing day..I'm really scared of what my dad say yesterday..he really meant it..I have lots of stuff to think about today..really messed up today..all the things keep popping up inside my mind..depressing thoughts...I'm like a zombie the whole day..I don't even know how I managed to get throught today..I need someone to talk to and nad was kinda busy..she got some problem and couldn't turn up for class also..so I went to find yeez to talk bout it...everyone have their problems...I really don't know how long can I go on like this...I really cannot stand it already...I need help man..I know it..but I kinda scared to go for it...I'll be fine..felt better now..and I really need to get on with my assignments...late night again...and here am I blogging..
© Enigma
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Day 19-Tuesday
Today was a very bad day...it was a public holiday for k.l..so I went up to t.s again,couldn't get enough of yesterday?well...it's part of the reason..but another part was that I'm hoping to see "you know who"..I was thinking he would be there since it is a holiday..my guess was right...he is there..but he left after a short while I arrived but only to return later...another friend was there too and the usual arcade bunch of friend..probably due to that another friend-another evo driver too was there,that's why we kinda talked and laughed together..the environment wasn't that bad..but got a few times he was sitting and standing someone else, I caught him looking at me..and he kinda caught me looking at him too..shit!he really caught me looking at him one time..our eyes kinda meet,he was kinda far away and I quickly look away,hoping it wasn't that obvious I was looking at him..I was kinda looking for him cause he was missing...what's wrong with me?why the hell do I still want to look out for him?and it make it worse that I know he's also look at me or peek at me or whatever you want to say it...I mean why he still want to do that since he's the one asking for all this?I realize I still have feelings towards him..and he too..so what's the problem now?Am i giving myself false hope again?I know I should move on..I kinda did..at least I can talk bout it without ending up in tears anymore..but I don't think I could ever fully let it go..it's really a pity..to just end it like that..since we still have feelings for each other..don't you think so?I still feel really sad but happy at the same time whenever I see him though..what kind of feelings is that?I try to make myself hate him..which at one point I sucessfully did but it didn't last long..no matter how hard I try to hate him,I just couldn't do it...arghhhH!!!I didn't realize I was that deep into this relationship..I was that serious..*sigh*..oh.I lost my bag today too..some idiot stole it!!fuck that idiot!lucky my wallet and phone was in my pocket but all my keys are inside my bag and it's all gone!Dad's volcano finally erupted after I told him I lost my house keys..things haven't been that good with me and my dad lately..I hate him!he doesn't understand shit!All he knows is to follow his way and misunderstand me..he threaten me if I don't change,this is my last chance..and he really mean it..LAST CHANCE..he's gonna kick me out of college and ask me to go out to work..!FUCK HIM,how could he?He said I have to change all my habits...including phone bill..if next month's phone bill exceed his limit..then I'm goner!And I need to change my otehr habits too..including do more housework,come back early,sleep early,talk to him nicely,cannot argue with him..basically do whatever he wants me to do..I just have to follow the GENERAL's order...I'm gonna suffocate in this house..I don't even want to go home early these days..I don't want to see his fucking face..!How could you want me to change so many things in like so short time?I have to pretend someone I'm not every single day at home..I don't know how long I can stand this..I'm gonna die sooner or later..I even had suicidal thoughts today..He even hit me and he push my head very hard in the car where it gave a loud knocking sound when my head hit the windscreen..he's a fucking idiot maniac who don't know shit!who don't know what I have to go throught everyday!you think I don't have stress?only you have stress?You think is easy to study?All you think is your fucking self!You are an abusing your children mentally and emotionally,don't you know that?I so fucking hate you..my feelings towards you really died after yesterday..you killed it..you killed it and I really hate you since I was in high school..you don't even pay for my school fees,all mom pay!You fucking did nothing and you want to kick me out of college??Oh..one more thing,did I tell you how long have I been wanting to murder you..if not because of the consequences and my conscience..I would have done that!!where were you when I'm depressed?where were you when I'm sad?At least mom knows when I'm sad and depressed,u?You know shit and all you know is to scold and to ask me to be your SERVANT!
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Day 18-Monday
Today I went to mid valley with yee and friends after my morning class and i suppose to go back for my evening class but then again I don't feel like going back and it's and idiot class..so I skip class and went to t.s...actually I wanted to go also..I was actually hoping to see someone there but then again I know that someone wouldn't be there as he have school..but he turned up at night..quite late..was kinda surprised to see him there..quite shock actually..usually he don't turn up like at this time..and day..and late realize maybe beacause the next day is a public holiday for k.l..that's why he can come out..we still don't talk much...*sigh*..there was a bunch of "new fishes" too..got to know them..and they think I'm better than yee but in actual fact no..embarrassing for me cause I'm not that good in ID yet..anyway..I talk to the fishes and yee to keep myself distracted from him..I got this very strong urge to turn and look at him..but I managed to supressed it..how long can I go on like this?
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
