take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
Monday, February 27, 2006
11:53 PM
haihzz
haihz..now ok d...haihzz..i feel fine now...hanging with him..i just really how much i can influence his life...LOL...one of his fren tell me(at his house)..he go away a while..he say he always follow me say "eleh" d nowadays and all of them always laugh at him and today he nearly call ppl's name eleh =.="...then faster change to errrr....i dunno la..dun think he's serious with that gal..haihz..
© Enigma
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ouch
dunno wats wrong with me..feel damn worry..and sad...arghhh..i need something to do..no mood to do anything...i dun feel like talking to him =( but i want...sob..ouch..it hurts...he change his msn nick...it's about her...ouch...i really must stop this..stop hurting myself...this is stupid..i dun want to...sob...tears....why??why??!i dun understand....ouch....i need smtg to do...
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i love you
i love you..and yet i know that we could never be together..you are someone who is unreachable..yesterday when u told me u met a gal..friend's friend..that might be ur possible gf...i feel a stab of pain...hahhaha..go for her la if u really like her...why everytime go skating also meet gals one..haihz..must be u skating the time damn gaya..sob..today go watch her basketball match somemore..why must u tell me....and then call me dear in front of ur friends for no reason..u sound so sweet when u do that,u kknow?...why must u treat me like that?haihz..how i wish that i could go skating with you once..only once..that's all i ask..just want a memory..i know that it's impossible la..he ask me when i'm coming over to his place again..before he met the gal la..now dun think he need me la..but this time i felt better than last time,at least not that sad...i guess i kinda expected this would happen..u are always surrounded by gals..u treat every gal so nice..ppl got prob sure call u..of course la..thanx for making me happy the past month..lol..i won't forget this day 14.1.2006..i met you..and so coincidence that february 14 have to be our one month..and i get to spent it with you..kinda neway..i guess i can't expect much more..as long as i'm still ur dear it's enough..hope you found the right gal this time..let go of ur past,like wat u tell me..dun live in sadness la..i'll let you go once i know u r happy...i'll leave you when u found ur hapiness..sob..i'll just be ur angel watching over ur back..just let me be...we are fated to met each other but not meant together...thanx...dun worry,i'll be ok..at least i treasure every single moment that i'm with you now..i won't regret it like last time..haiz..i saw him again on sat..but i realize i felt nothing anymore...probably a tiny bit..i dunno..i just felt uncomfortable and a bit sad when i saw him..but later ok d..i guess i just regret i never appreciate what he have done for me in the past..that's y..after all he's my first in a serious way la..
i guess u help me realize that it's already the past...thanx..u r the first person i say the 3 words to..u will always have a special place in my heart just like him..i guess it's part of life..ppl you care about just come and just leave...easy come easy go?why didn't i choose the good ones instead of these bad ones?padan muka saya kan?hahhhaha...no more...i won't be so stupid..i'll have the upper hand for now on...miss u...2302..tbq...
© Enigma
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Friday, February 24, 2006
10:07 PM
TB!
wow...TB are just so cool and yeng...!!i like la!in case anyone dunno what's TB is..it's tomboy...like kinda les kind...found a club in friendster for tb,les and gays and bi....and can't stop seeing those ppl's profile..i want to join la..some TB really got gaya and damn yeng...i dun mind man...to try a relationship with TB..really cool one...but all taken d...=(..all in a relationship..put pic with their gf somemore..got kissing pic somemore..nice..haihz...dun discriminate against these ppl...they are humans too.and they can't help it if they r born like dat..it's not a sickness!!i see some of them really last damn long d..haihzz...i'm really confuse now..LOL..but it's interesting to try a gal gal relationship...if my other partner is really cool!!>.<"...i like la! so damn yeng!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!y all taken d ='( and y am i so old...mostly 16-18...haihzzz..-_-" jiun also la..hahaha..she say last time regretted nvr try..she from gal sch last time..dat time she haven't really get exposed to more stuff yet..dat time ppl come approach her she damn scared..dun want.she say stupid stupid dat time..LOL...but she got a lot of fans last time hahahha..but got a lot also yeng one la she say her school!!!dats y now she wanna find back these stuff...make frens with these ppl..LOL..nice la!!!oh..and did i mention our class got one TB..and a fashionable gay!cool!
i wanna meet all the tbs la!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>.<"..
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放 手 吧 (送給為情而執迷不悔的人)
累了.....就放手吧.....
放手不是要忘記或忽視過去.
不是要遺忘憤怒 , 忌妒或悔恨的感受.
放手不代表輸 , 也不是贏.
放手跟自尊面子無關 , 也不是為了停頓在過去.
放手也不是留住回憶或重溫悲傷 , 也不會留下空虛或傷害.
放手不是放棄或退讓 , 也不是損失或挫敗 !
放手是珍惜回憶 , 是克服悲傷 , 繼續向前的勇氣.
放手是打開心靈 , 自信迎向未來.
放手是接受事實 , 學習 , 經歷及成長 .
放手是感謝這些帶來歡笑和淚水的經驗.
放手是檢視過去 , 現在和未來所擁有的一切.
放手是有勇氣接受改變 , 有力繼續往前走.
放手是代表成長 !
放手......明白有時內心才是醫治自己的最佳良方......
-taken from somewhere,just feel like posting it-
© Enigma
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
2:39 AM
border
i knew what to do d..i will never put any hope anymore....yea..thank god i stop on the border..haihz..he got so many gals la..i was the first to wish him..cuz hanging ma..but later one of his fren call..gal..2am.. -.-"..and he can even forget who is that but tell the fellow that he will call back..and got the cheek to tell me he forget who is that d cuz got too many gals d =.="...as in friends..then he check his address book and find those that will call him at that time..lucky first time call then the right fellow...but haihz..i can hear all the conversation la..he let me hear while hanging..but from that moment on i know he's the kind of guy that treat all gals good one la..very caring and all..not surprise a lot of ppl fall for him...and he's the kind that can easily chase gals one la..and he's never short of gals one..terrible..i knew that all along d la..yet still didn't really wanna accept the fact..playboy kind..but i think he still likes his ex a lot...a way to ease the pain is to play around with gals?that's y la breakup after a short while with new gal..terrible la..thought u can forget meh if u get into new relationship?..like pat case..later only realize cannot..aiyorr..well..this time i really know what kind of person he is d la..as in accept the fact d..i will never go over my border...play around is enough d...anyway dun think i ready for love..sigh..dun care d la..waste of time and energy..when it's time then it's time..i have like so long more before i bloom..so it's still ok if i'm not ready..studies first!LOL..unlike yeez blooming there...HHAHAHAHA..=p
haihzz..he got a court case 2day..-.-'..he ask me dun forget him if anything happen..haihyorr..i won't la..hope u'll be alrite...
© Enigma
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
11:42 PM
tears
he let me listen to really nice songs..most of it love song..really nice one..and i dunno why all of sudden..it just came...i never expect it..it just flow out....all of sudden just feel so sad...i dunno...he was not suppose to know..i dun want him to know...but he knew somehow...stop being so nice and caring.....u make me feel worse...the pain.ouch..stake it through my heart...i knew that it's impossible...sob...why do i have to know u?of all people why must i found u?why must it be u?i know nothing can ever happen between us...even how much i wish that it could..but deep down i know it's impossible..why do i have to add another regret?like 2103 is not enough...i really did not treasure you..whatever it is..i don't want to think anymore..happy endings?hahaha..i don't believe in such things anymore..all are fairytales..fake..fuck those..stop hurting me..get off..i want to put all my energy on money and studies d and other things...yes....thanks asignments n exams..althought u r stressful but u help me...i have some things to do..i dunno what to do anymore...i dun care...i dun wanna care anymore...sob..studies!i'm gonna do 2 masters...one clinical psychologist...(dad wants,no choice,career prospect)..another one i'm gonna do what i like..probably more on archaelogy kinda thing..georontology?if not then do one diploma on animation or computer graphics..graphic design?..i'll see..astronomy is out d..cuz u need to study from basics one..='(..haihz...a dream i could not fulfill..yes..!studies..
what not meant to be mine will never...why can't i see that?..if it's meant to be..it will no matter how...time will tell is it meant or not...fate will decide..if it's not..it's just a phase of life that i have to go through in order to grow..see more things..learn more things..thanx...
love is not necessarily being with the person...it's all about wanting the person to be happy..parents' love...friends' love..couple's love...sibling's love..all kind of love..it come down to the same thing...as long as the person is happy..it's enough..i hope u all find ur hapiness soon..it will hurt me to see u all live in sadness...yes it does..
© Enigma
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Sunday, February 19, 2006
11:55 AM
i know what i'm doing
lol..i'm so happy la when you got the gift d..and say thanks to me..so cute la u.haha..malu to say straight to me..go and sent me voice clip...hahaha...and that particular day itself u said that 3 words to me again at the end lol...and i say it again -.-"...the 2nd time la i say...haihz...then today u went celebrate ur bday...u really love ice skating la..i know the feeling of speed la..flying ma..if not why i like driving so much, more like speeding..and ID also..-.-"..LOL..so tired la u..but get to talk a bit..that time i feel like haihz..we are just chatting like what normal couples do..so natural la..so many things to talk la suddenly u also..hahaha..i feel really comfortable la..and glad u miss me...i miss u too..so cute la..this time when u go bath ask me not to hang up....hahha..not like yesterday >.<",sorry la doing assignments mah...i go watch tv also hang..hahha..i feel happy la..at least i have a place in ur heart..it's enough.. haihz.. i know my limits la..haihz..nothing possible is gonna happen la..i know what am i doing ^^..dun worry...since that day...i knew d to not be too careless..=)..and to put all my energy on money,studies..and many many things i wanted to do.learn language!japanese,jiun gonna teach me,i going her house tuition during holidays maybe,i ask d ^^!learningfrench next sem ^^v...i want to improve my drawing..get back to writing..my story have been hanging for 3 years and still not yet done -.-"...i want to learn more graphic stuff..animation!sigh...my path is set to become a clinical psychologist i think....='(...i want to learn dance(might not be possible)..i want to travel(might not be possible)!!.i want to do a whole lots of things!improve public speaking!learn no to embarassed myself in public=expose myself to more things=going US will be a good experience(even 2 weeks also^^)!! kkla...ganbantte to me!!!!i love you... u make me realize a whole lots of new things...past is past...dun be so stubborn..if things doesn't work out...let go..u make me realize my feelings,i'm just too immature and not ready yet....u widen my horizon that i have a lot more things that i can put my energy into...enjoy life...thanx..^_^..
u also la..dun live in sadness d la...told u how many times d...life is life la..haihzz..cheer up la..thanx neway..=)
© Enigma
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006
7:09 PM
now
i guess i'm a very emotional and reflective person...forever thinking..reflecting...but at this moment i felt that all answers are not important anymore..listening to nice love songs..LOL..but i felt a sense of calmness..i guess i gotten my answer...partially?all that are not important..as long as i treasure what i have now..yes..even if i lost it next time..it won't be a regret...like last time...i mad my mistakes..although i wish i could turn back time..but it's already done..what is done cannot be undone..it's my past..what is over is over...accept it..learning to accept..and after all i shouldn't be wasting time over these...life is short..i may die the next moment..yea..there's so much more things i would like to do...for now i really really thinking of way to get a job..LOL..and i would really really like to learn JAPANESE!jiun promise to teach me d...she bringing the writing 2molo i think..start from ABC..hahaha..two types of..kanji and other one forget la...i think few years alos cannot finish learning la -_-"..jiun last time everyday 9-5 whole day learn japanese for 2 years ...only can reach that kind of standard...she really should go and do her favourite..literature and go japan la instead of doing psych...haihz..dissapointment pysch is not as what she thought it is...interesting la but still..haihz..and our program damn dry la no campus life like that!WISH I WERE BACK IN ADP...we keep telling how much fun we had in adp..not like here..all fucking NERDS..some can't even take a joke..we went to start a slam book..(in case anyone dunno wat is a slam book..it's like u create a book..there got the most good looking person,the most fashionable,the sexiest,the sleeping beauty,the best lecturere,worst lecturer,loudspeaker... and so on..and u pass the book around to let ppl write names on wh they think fits the category)..LOL..but we dun write bad things la..more to the funny kind..haihz then when the book pass to this kancheung checker saw her name in the the most "kancheung" cateory..she cannot take it..walau..pass the book to ms.w somemore.=.="..but she saw d..she just laugh and say it's a joke la..haha..must be ms.w saw a lot of ppl vote her best lecturer..she seems amused by the book..LOL..and then that kancheung checker cannot..still cannot take it..wanna go tell jumping chatterbox and even jumping chatterbox kena voted the kei poh chee category also nothing..somemore can tell her it's for fun la..dun take it seriously..and she say she wrote her own name somemore..LOL..and that kancheung checker keep saying.."i'm not kancheung wat!" omg..look at her..she kancheung like hell still wanna deny..and do work the time a lot of ppl also say she kancheung..still dun wanna admit..then she kept that book and dun wanna pass it around..haizz..dun even have the chance to get the book back to see wat ppl wrote..=(..probably she took the book back home and burn it d la..darn nerd..like that also cannot..it's just for fun la..my name also inside wat-nad write one,sleeping category..LOL..haihya..so wat..take n read and then laugh about it only la..no harm..idiot nerd can't even take a joke..and half of the class still haven't get to write it =/..and we can't get to see what others wrote after us..dang!)idiots la..dun understand..anyway yea,back to the topic >.<.jiun should really go japan la..anime!manga!and get all her BL stuff too!LOL!i want too!somemore she work b4 in japanese compnay and her fluency in japanese..haihzz..and somemore can help translate anime !we were talking about it that day..she knows that psych is not what i want also la..parents =/..but career prospect also next time ma..this is only degree wat..should just go n take something i interested in during degree then master or wat only do for living one la..haihz.she say i also wasted la..damn!!i should go animation!!!!!!!!my fortune lies there..sob...my future..and psych is killing my creativity =.=" i just realize..i haven't been able to write any poems or good story lately and drawings too!!damn..and no time!psych is taking up most of my time..haihzz...dun even have time for my anime and manga!!it's stacking up!!so many to read and watch!!not time!!sob...i wish i had chosen a different path...haihz...see they draw until damn freaking nice!i damn envy la..even no basic or talent or whatsoever also can draw until that standard one..as long as u go learn..put ur effort inside...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..sob..damn..regret!!and all i do these days is write stupid boring essay..assignments...arghhhhhhhhhhhhh..and dun even draw!i really felt that i miss out something.....sigh..
© Enigma
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not ready for love?
yes..at this point i just realize..maybe i'm just not ready for love..yea..i dun really know what i want actually..true....how could my heart just change..i always thought it was him that i love most..all the way many others came along..but my heart did not shake..i mean of course i enjoy the attention and all..but i know all along that the one i think most was him..and then he have to came along..damn..he..who might not even real...dammit...how could i possibly fall for such a person...and i know he's a baddie...sure got lots of gal..and dun think he ever get over his ex yet.i know u r sad la..haihz..haihz..how could u know i'm sad too?how could u see through me that easily..damn...but i feel the pain...damn..how could a person like that hurt me?it may be just a pinch but it brought along sadness..and dissapointment..hmm..could this been possibly so called in love?but i know you are just probably playing around..haha..until to this point i realize... dunno wat is this..i miss you...but i know it's impossible..i feel sad..yet i feel happy too..i feel worry...yet i feel calm too...what is this..u messing me up..damn u..but after much thought..i think it might be me..the problem..i may not be ready..i dun even know how to diferentiate..true and false..crush or love?or that i'm just seeking for comfort cuz i have not truly over him yet..i'm just finding a piece of wood to hang onto in the midst of sea..so to hide my sadness..my hurt..so that i can convinve myself that he is just a past...and idiot that is a past..if he's just a past why do i still feel so much resentment and anger?and yet still care for him at the same time...yes..i might be just running away from the problem and not facing it..before this i admit i was tempted to just simply grab a wood and hang onto but i didn't..i let it go..i dun wanna hurt anyone..i keep my distance away...lol..but i can't denied the fact that i was really tempted to do it..this is the same case...but i accepted it in a way cause probably i know it won't be a real-life everyday thingy..as we have the distance problem and so and so...sigh..what have i done?i'm just playing a fool and deepening my wounds am i?i'm immature...i'm just not ready..but i can't stop myself from doing it....sigh..i don't even know my real feelings anymore now..sigh..is it possible to have feelings for many different people at the same time..means i'm immature ain't i?i dun even know if those feelings are real anymore..i just don't wanna know and don't wanna think about it anymore...i will go on living like this...but will not spend any more time searching for the answer...or any more effort on these...don't wanna care...money and study and fun is my pirority now..fuck love...fuck relationships..who needs them anyway...must love cause so much pain?..no matter..i still have friend's and family love...so many other things in life...sigh..i'm really sick and tired..
© Enigma
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Sunday, February 12, 2006
1:04 AM
you..illusion?
sigh..so what if u broke off d....u realize that u r beter being friends. ..haihz...but so what..?me n him....it's not gonna happen...haihz..i hang with u every single day for hours...i really scared i will fall deeper....recently u told me you misses me a lot..haihz...i beleive you la...no need to ask me la..lol..yesterday..haihz..he frens came over his place so late at nite...someone bday ohh..haihz...let me hear for wat...sometimes i really dun want to listen anymore...u let me know so much about u..let me talk to ur frens...i really dun want d..later i fall deeper..hahha..but i nvr let that happen d...i know how to control myself ...haihz..u told ur fren yesterday...haihz..overseas gf....hahah...kinda hurting sial...not real one ba..nvr will be..i know..lol..as long as i have a place enough la..i kinda learning to give up on u..at least i won't be so crazy anymore to be at the comp after sch everyday...haihz..but no matter how...you are alwiz special in my heart..thx to you also i can let go of him ....haihz?miss you...so busy leh u...haihzz..i dun wanna care anymore...i'm gonna concentrate on my studies and games...LOL..and money...they are so much predictable at least and tangible..not like something that are so unstable and untouchable...like an illusion..you thought u caught it but actually u never did..and u realize it's just an illusion..forever chasing an illusion....haihzz
© Enigma
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
9:16 PM
2302
haihz..everything is back to normal...yea..you still treat me as before...glad he still will call me..i really misses his voice when i hear it...sigh..i'm darn hopeless u know?.i'm still ur XXXX ma no matter how..alwiz and will be...haihz..as long as i have a place in ur heart..it's enough d la..we can still talk about stuff like we use to....i dun ask much..i know we weren't meant for each other..u also la..dun play around so much d la..haihz..tell u d..but u keep denying..but i'm glad i'm the one u bother to call and hang with for hours...lol..thanx for making me feel special that moment...well..i will never ask much anymore..as long as u still remembers me..and i always have a spot inside ur heart..that's enough..u will too...u will alwiz have a special place in my heart too..i really gotta send out my gift d if not too late d..he still remembers i wanted to give him something..hahha..at least he remembers...thanx...hope u will alwiz be happy with her..dun live in sadness anymore la..haihz..u tell me for what.....lol....be happy alwiz la..i wish u all...take care..love you....haihz...
© Enigma
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Sunday, February 05, 2006
11:07 PM
sly
sigh..u say that i will alwiz be ur XXXX....by i dun think so...hahaha..u spending more time with her d la..where got time for me...maybe when u bored the time la..dun think u will call me anymore....u dun even call me XXXX....of course la ur relationship start 2nd day only ma...she's ur XXXX d la...hahha..forget who am i d la u will...i try really hard not to think about u...sob...i didn't know u had such an impression on me...i even can go in ur game and see if u r there or not...and i saw her..might be her..dunno izzit or not...u use to train me..hahahhaha..but now..it's her only rite?u even put away mode la..dun want ppl to disturb u all ma..i understand..plz la...just can't forget how u treat me the past 3 weeks...yea..i know u were real..well that's enough rite?dun think i will get to hear ur voice anymore..ur dog's barking...ur fren talking...ur father scolding u...or u eating...or sit in front of the comp waiting for me to come back home from sch...sob...no more..or even ask me to stay and teman u..sob..no more..all that we share..dun intro me to ur frens la..fucker then..dun say wanna give me money come to ur place la..dun cheer me up when i'm down la.....i'm nobody to u d...i feel crushed...ouch..u have cut me more deeeply than i thought...i will miss all that....sob...i know i should have say bb to u earlier ago..but i couldn't do it...sob... ..i didn't even have the courage to say the 3 words to you..only type.. when i have the chance...i nvr get to tell u how i feel...i regret...
i will sent ur gift as usual..my last gift to u...happy bday and valentines to u...probably u even throw it away for all i know...hahahha...thanks for making me happy these 3 weeks...although is a really short time...but i was really happy...i didn't want to admit it..but yea...i guess i already fall for u...i love you..bye bye..u were never meant to be mine...i'm just so stupid to believe that it will happen..hope u will be happy with her..dun end up like ur ex...
© Enigma
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bad year
this year gonna be a bad year...sob..everything bad is happening..sob...i didn't know...now i know...all these while it's just a game to you...hahaha..only i'm stupid enough to believe you...hahaha...idiot fucker..i should have known that ppl like you won't be serious...playing a fool only...hahha.i thought i had the upper hand of playing...but i've been too careless..i've been too careless d..to let myself get serious...i should have known...lucky it isn't too late...i will not allowed myself to be careless this time already...fucker...damn u..hahhaa..i feel so damn sad...dunno what was i doin the whole day yesterday..the sense of aching is still there no matter i do...i didn't know u had that kind of impact on me...fine...really..never trust anything with a dick..see la..sob..got good ppl dun want..go for baddies...padan muka?balasan!from now onwards i will never ever allowed this to happan anymore...i will make sure i have the upper hand of playing...even good ppl.b4 that i dun want to play with good ppl feelings..but now.. sorry..i'm gonna be a fucker...hahahaha...u all wanna play...i can show u...fuck u ..let the game begin..
really..get someone who love you more than you love him/her....hahaha..not wasting time on such idiotic things anymore...it's so unstable...i rather have something more stable and catchable..like $$$$$...studies...there...i can concentrate on those...my heart is really dying off this time..i feel so damn tired...dissapointed again and again..good also..dead heart=good for playing ppl...hahahhaa..we'll see...
© Enigma
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Wednesday, February 01, 2006
11:35 PM
sorry
sorry..i shouldn't have hold it...i didn't meant to spoil it.i feel damn guilty n bad sial..sigh...i dunno wat else to do except i'm really sorry..and sorry again..i didn't know have to make u wait 1 hour..i didn't know it wil ltake that long...
© Enigma
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take my HAND; and GUIDE me through*
2103..
u are a fucker....u r just toying with ppl feelings..one gal after another..r u that desperate for gals?i guess u dun bother..u immature fucker..bastard..son of a b****..argh..today u realyl make me realize i meant nothing to you....sob...i really dun meant anything to u??even a little also dun have??why...why u do and say thise things....u were just playing around with me?..sob...i feel damn sad when i heard the conversation..u are just looking for new targets..fuck u...sob...do u know i really have feelings for u...i damn regret what i did..i never appreciate you...i wasn't serious...i nvr bother of ur feeelings until it's too late...sob...u know how much i keep thinking about that...when i was serious that time..it's already too late..hahaha..all my own bloody fault..u really hurt me today..u make me realize i was a fool for still putting hope on u..u twisted the thorn that stuck in my heart a long time ago..and make my heart bleed once again..i guess at the same time u pull out that thorn too..hahaha..after so long...it really still hurts...regret..i can never turn back time...i can noly blame myself and no one..but i really feel angry at u..i wanna reallyhate u...sob..but somehow i couldn't...but i really want to pay u back..i know this is wrong..but i want u to feel the same pain.. i want to hurt u back..haihz...but what's the point..this is too childish..i know..haihz..i guess i'm just being childish...nvm..i'll get over in time..i just want to be friends with you now...i hope i can do it..because i really want to slap u everytime i see u..haihz..hope i get over my hatred soon...sigh..bye bye..but i still feel sad whenver i think about u...sob..i dunno y...i guess i would never really get over you..maybe there's still a little bit of hope left in my heart..i still have feelings for u?maybe....sob...regret..
© Enigma
0 person have hold my hands, have you?
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hold me TIGHT; and NEVER let go*
