Sigh..I'm really confuse and stress out over these uncertainties of the future.I really hate this feeling. Can't I just live life as it goes? Why can't ppl just relax and take life at a time..why is there a need to plan?Why must we be so serious about everything?about life? afraid that one little step will result in your whole world come crashing down?
Perhaps it's just me..I can never be an adult..they are just too serious..or perhaps it's me that is immature. I'm just a kid after all. I don't suit any of these adult world yet I have to be one of them..I'm hate growing up. I duwan to be a grown up. I always thought I have time..and yet here comes the day..mom's not here anymore, I have to act as a responsible adult, be mature.yada yada..and all the bullshit and craps people around me have be giving me.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking..-_-' at times I think too much. I even think of the way I think, that sound totally weird..but yeah-.-'..I always have this feeling that I'm just sort of..erm unique ?okie weird more like it-_-"..anyways..I seriously have no clue about my future. I really want to do something other than psych, Im actually interested in doing masters about archaelogy or even the creative arts like drama or some sort, but then I'll definitely be dissapointing my dad, since he's spending the money, well technically more like mom's money -_-"..another thing is that I feel that it's kinda wasted nto to continue pursuiing psych in my masters, since I've been in it way tooooo long..but I'm afraid I'll regret and get burnout like what I'm experiencing right now. I've given the chance to go abroad, what I always wanted, but yet I'm here afraid and worried instead of the initial excitement. and I have to do the fucking tables and submit to my couz supposedly today, oh well can delay a few more days. The lecturers and the dean in my uni doesn't help at all..instead of getting answers, I got more question marks!!now I'm more confuse than ever..!The career department in my uni sort of suggest that I took this test called the vienna test to see what are my personalities like, interest and so on and then go for a counseling session of the interpretation of the result. It's free for students, originally I think you have to pay hundreds to actually take this test (Insider details-I work my internship there :p..:Actually this vienna test is the ppl from Austria give my uni permission to administer it for one year for FREE, on the condition they will collect 300 data samples for the norms over here, that's why my uni are actually desperately getting ppl to do the test, they even make it compulsory for ppl taking some stupid career guidance class in my uni-.-' and i have to do a farking report.I shall not go into detail about this wasting-time-class which we are required to do for free just to meet the requirement of LAN to graduate,if not I will start gettting pissed all over again.msia seriously sux!)

Anyway, yeah..so I've done the test and they called me up after one week to set up appointment and all with a "practicing counselor-master's student on praticum" for the interpretation of my result etc. the counselor turn out to be the one I had seen for my bonus mark last sem which I stop after my first session due to some personal resons as well as laziness =.=' It was kinda awkard for me to see her again, cause I remember I got kinda irritated with her calls and sms back then -.-'..she start asking about things back home and I told her that my mom had passed away and she started her counselor-ish ways. I don't blame her, I know she wants to help..but it's just that somehow I feel a bit irritated with it. A part of me knows that I need to see her again, but a part of me is holding back somehow and a small part of me is just plain lazy..LOL!!!Anyways, I found out that I'm suited to be a statistician, that explain my interest in psychometrics probably. and My top interest is actually more to the artistic side, where else my 2nd interest is in the investigative field(research that explain it why I'm interested in these) and the 3rd was..organizational-administrative..wtf??I never knew that I had an interests in those? I totally hate it -_-"..oh well maybe unconsciously I might have like some of it..as for my other interest in other category are basically very l0w. They even have a score section for differentiation where they actually look at whether you are confuse or uncertain or you basically know what your interests are. It actually work like this: If a person knows or sort of have an idea what they are interested in, their score will reflect in a way where it differentiate form one category to another compare to a person who doesn't know what she/he wants, they'll just score it average in every category, where the score will come out to be almost the same in each category and there wouldn't be a differentiation in their scores. I was actually kinda impresses and find it really cool that they actually thought of this score system!and actually a tad excited..-_- okie I'm starting to sound nerdish..back to the topic.

Next came my basic intelligence functions :p..well it's an intelligence test la basically..they have 5 category:general intelligence, verbal intelligence, numerical intelligence, long-term memory and visualization. She told me I'm actually a very intelligent person..and I started to kembang!!LOLLLLLLL!!Oh well, let me action sikit..can't help it..XD..I'm actually proud to say that I score quite high in each category and most of the scores are in the above avrg percentile as well v^_^v with my general intelligence and long-term memory scoring the highest, far above avrg XD ! Okie..I'm gonna sound like a narcisstic ass here but heck care this is my blog after all!LOL LOL! I knew that somehow I'm smart but I knew that I'm lazy and a slacker as well, probably that why I actually can't be bothered to work my ass to the top. LOL!!! slacker forever a slacker :p.but knowing this is enough, it actually boost my self esteem..ROFL!!Okie.I beter stop and not let this get to my head..XD..i'm know I'm being an idiot :p.hahahaha!But then again, the results might not be accurate as this is based on the norms over at Austria, not here. =.= I'm sounding like a researcher..swt..-_-" Anyway, she told me that I would have no problem in whatever career I want to do, it all comes down now to my personality that will suit my interests.

So..Next is my personality, they have 3 main category while each category is broken down into 7 sub categories. They add up the scores of each sub category to form the overall scores of the main category. It's actualy kinda cool, not only you can see the scores for each scale but also the main scale. I shall not go into details about my results on this :p..it's sort of private anyway.But I'm actually surprised that it was really accurate. The counselor was actually worried cause on one section my unhappiness, anxiety, guilt was quite high..as well as my inferiority. I knew I had low self esteem problem, it had been a long term one actually, but what I didn't know was that the scores are pretty high. I'm working on it..-_-', compare to the old me and the me now..what a difference! I'm not ashame to admit it though, it's part of growing up. I'm actually doing a lot of things I would not do last time,some people would even laugh if I told them what I went to try out for :p..but heck care!lolz!I'm beginning to meet and know a lots of new people as well..but at times this problem will still come back and haunt me..I dunno, it would just come all of sudden, that I feel that I'm not up to standard in terms of ability as well as appearance compared to the others, which I know is definitely not true. I keep telling myself that yet it sometimes just hard to overcome.

My counselor started her counselor-ish tone but then I brush if off. I know she meant well, but at that moment I just don't like anyone to start probing my mind or what so ever. Probably, more like I don't like exposing myself to her, I admit I felt weak if I do that, probably the one reason I stop the sessions. Another reason was that I'm aware of teh skills and technique she uses, that one of the downside of being a psych student for so long I guess? Once I'm aware of it, I'm actually more resistant to it. That also gets me annoyed that I knew someone is actually trying to use these skills on me, it's probably my ego prob,lol! She even suggested to me that I can see her anytime if I want to.

Lastly,they have a dissimulation scale where they actually check that you've answered teh question honestly or are u just trying to make an impression/increase social desirability of yourself. Again, this is really cool!! I'm really interested in knowing how they actually break the scale down in detail and etc..Overall it's consider a good test as they have such scale similar to that of the item response thingy..hmm...okies, i better stop -_-"..I'm sounding like a psychometrician already,it must due to working with my supervisor that is having these kind of impact on me..Anyway,I score low for this particular scale which means that I anwerded the questions honestly and did not try to fake my answer to put myself in a positive light etc etc.

I dunno whether this test actually help me..maybe in some ways..but I'm still confuse about what I am gonna do for my masters..I'm now torn between clinical and research/psychometrics..forensic is definitely out..as well as drama therapy..maybe I should just go and do game programming or animations =.='..argh!!

Sigh..I better get back to my researching for my tables..I'm sick of browsing through all the uni's website..I even email the unis but all I got is shit replies..not even answering my question and ask me to refer to their website. Well, if their websites have all the answers, I would not purposely email and ask them right? stupid people..grrrr..